Infinite silence

As a little girl I was afraid of the shadows that haunted me at night, the shadows that the closet created on the wall. I would turn out the light so they were not there, most of them didn't go away. As I got older I became afraid of the shadows I would cast on the walls, so therefore I would turn out the lights for good, shutting out everything that went by. Most of the time I felt like drowning, slowly and irretrievably yet painlessly into a world of nothing. I felt alone and scared. I felt lost inside my own world where my thoughts were murders with unspoken words, where theres a war going on between my soul and reality, I try to scream and shout but there's no way out. There are times when I feel lonely, I feel hurt and broken, and all I can think of is my failures and my mistakes, how it's all my fault. I wish there could be someone there to catch me, comfort me, hold me close and tell me it will get better. But there isn't, I'm alone in a world full of hate and no escape. I hid from the world so it won't hide from me but it has. I feel lost like I have no one, but really who would choose a daisy in a world full of roses. I fell from the world and softly got lost in the things that would take me away and I would never return. I live in the shadows of others watching their life run by while I'm stuck here dying. But really I am alone I have lost my family, all my life and everything that matters, I'm here with my forever that is nothing but darkness.

You have no idea how hard it is to force yourself to stop thinking about it and not let it get to your head and consume you, I tried but it caught me. Memories flicker through my mind about everything that I worked for in life that I know I don't have anymore.

I will remember all the times and memories with my friends, my loved ones all those happy moments I had but probably won't get back. The decisions I made to get myself here thinking this way. I will remember the nights I spent with my friends laughing and talking until three in the morning, and all the times I was told of for saying sorry for no reason even though right now I need to say it. The way the world was to how it is now, destroyed. I will remember the times that I tried to make a change in our lives but nobody listened. I would have gone back to that moment and tried harder. You need to understand this, these moments we have, this second right here, right now, is all we have. The past does not exist anymore its gone we can't change it so there is no point dwelling in the past, and for all we know the future doesn't exist either. What we do in five minutes Isn't real right now because all we have is This. We say our future is decided and we have it all planed out, but we don't because it's not real something else could get In the way and take us in another path.

Now I keep telling myself this, that I should stop dwelling and live. I mean I try but I always slip, slip back down into the silence of my mind that replays the moment that consumes me.

The silence defeated me, as my weak body collapsed to the ground. My eyes flicker around the room trying to grasp onto the last bit of reality I had until the unconsciousness awoke me to a dream. Fighting to get back but being sucked back under. Was this it my life gone completely lost from everything I know and love, upon all of this losing the ability to speak or express myself in ways no one would imagine. My imagination was all I had left but still It felt like I had nothing. I had lost my self in a world where my thoughts were murderers, I try to scream and shout but there was no way out. I felt like drowning slowly yet painless away from a world of lies.