"I saw you still crying over him. I frequently go to your campus and see you all by yourself, unfocused on your readings and then you'll wipe your tears away. Ilang beses kong tinangkang lapitan ka pero alam kong hindi naman ako makaktulong. Hindi ka pa naman suicidal kaya hinayaan na lang muna kitang magluksa."
Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya nang matagal. Lumapit siya sa akin saka nya idinampi ang likod ng palad nya sa aking pisngi. He smiled at gusto kong matunaw.
"I've been like that for five long years. At gusto kong magtampo dahil ni hindi mo man lang ako naalalang tawagan man lang. I've missed you so much."
He kissed my forehead and my heart somewhat made a sommersault in its cage. Why am I feeling this way towards him? He's my bestfriend! That made me get my self out of the trance. Umatras ako mula sa kanya. My mind is on chaos, naguguluhan, nalilito, nagugulat sa mga sinasabi niya. Natutok ang mga mata ko sa mga daliri kong kanina pa pala nilalaro ang wrapping ng bulaklak na halos punit punit na.
"But.. I asked my mother.. and the news.. you wouldn't be-"
"I went here occasionally every two weeks para hindi mo mahalata." He explained pero hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa sinasabi nya. "I'm sorry for-"
"No..." i refused to believe. "No, it can't be. You couldn't possibly be there. You had no reason to be there. You-"
"I love you. And that's the biggest reason why i was there." Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kanya. He used to say that to me a lot casually, but now, it's different, a lot more different than the way he used to say those words. And as I stared at those eyes of his, lalong umiba yung mga salitang iyon. It's as if those eyes staring right back at me are filled with the love he was telling me. Punung puno iyon ng emosyon. Punung puno iyon ng pagmamahal. Punung puno iyon ng sincerity. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naguguluhan kung anong nararamdaman ko sa kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. I felt happy and at the same time afraid. I felt betrayed but i also felt delighted upon hearing him say it, upon seeing in his eyes that they were all true. Lumapit siya sa akin and he cupped my face with his hands. "I love you, not just as a friend. I love you, Winter Natalia. I'm deeply in love-"
Tinanggal ko ang pagkakahawak ng mga kamay nya sa mukha ko. A part of me wanted to reprimand me for that. But majority of my self felt confused.
"Stop." I said. I gathered all my thoughts and smiled at him. "Ganun mo na ba ako kamiss at nabaliw ka na sa kagandahan ko kaya kung anu ano na lang ang mga sinasabi mo?" i faked a laugh. But he remained silent and when i looked at him, he looked so serious.
"I'm not crazy. I may be crazily in love with you, but i'm in my sanest self."
I smiled at him again. "Thank you, Tan. Thank you for this. And thank you for watching over me for the past five years. But you were right. I didn't need all those. Hindi ko kailangan ng anumang tulong dahil kaya ko naman ibangon ang sarili ko nang mag isa. Pero siguro, you're just confused. When did you realized that? Nung nakita mong umiiyak ako, noong nasasaktan ako? That's not love at all, awa yun, Tan. Baka naawa ka lang saken. Baka dahil sa kagustuhan mong protektahan ako e feeing mo pagmamahal na iyon. Oo, alam ko na mahal mo ako. Pero dahil kaibigan mo ako at hindi higit-"
"I love you. Damn it bakit ba mas marunong ka pa sa akin?!" galit na tanong nya sa akin and I want to remain calm,too at ayokong sabayan sya but I felt fuming mad,too.
"Dahil ayoko nang masaktan!" asik ko sa kanya. Natigilan siya pero saglit lang iyon. Magsasalita pa sana siya pero inunahan ko na siya. "Ayoko nang masaktan ulit dahil ayoko nang mawala ulit ako sa sarili ko."
"I won't hurt you." Mahinang sabi niya.
"How sure are you?" Nag angat siya ng tingin. Pero nag iwas ako dahil hindi ko matagalan ang mga titig nyang punung puno ng hinanakit, ng pagkalungkot, ng- Kelan ka naging eye-reader? I sighed. "He said that to me once and look what it got me." Naalala ko na naman ang sakit. Naalala ko na naman ang ilang gabing hindi ko pagtulog sa kakaisip sa kanya, ang ilang tsaang nainom ko para lang kumalma ang mga nerves ko sa twing naalala ko sya, at ang ilang dram ng luhang ibinuhos ko dahil hanggang ngayon ay iniiyakan ko pa rin siya. Naalala ko na naman ang panlolokong ginawa ng kaisa isang lalaking minahal ko. May ilang luhang pumatak na naman mula aking mga mata. I wiped them away.
