Jellyfish

16. Second Thoughts

Tobias's hair was red in the photos. Well, in most of them. There were more than I had ever wanted there to be, and they obviously spanned an undeniably long time. In the video, his hair was a dark blue and much longer than what it was now. From what I could see, it seemed like Tobias and Cain had been together for two or so years, before Tobias even started dying his hair. In every photo, there was a common theme; one of them smiling and happy while the other pretended they weren't. According to Tobias, it was just the kind of relationship they had, something akin to Tom and Jerry. Both of them were the emotionally distant type, either one pretending the other's affection put them off despite loving it. They seemed to be happy together regardless, especially in the pictures Tobias. He'd chosen the friendliest ones with sweet kisses and close bodies. The ones that would make it clear they were more than friends. Then, it seemed he had thrown all care to the wind and let lose the video that said it all. Looking at him now, it was clear Tobias didn't regret it a bit.

"I didn't want this," I sighed sadly. I was starting to realize that I wasn't as vindictive as Cain deserved. "I didn't want to do this."

Tobias rolled his eyes. "You're the one who wanted to get back at him. You don't get revenge by being nice, kid."

"Yeah, but we could do it without getting him murdered."

"He deserves it," Tobias argued. "That man is nothing but bad and he needs to learn that you can't get away with everything."

Maybe it was true. Maybe Cain did deserve it. He'd surely done nothing but proven himself an asshole time and time again so why did I feel any sense of remorse? I couldn't lie, I knew why. The more I read in the file, the more I realized how alike we were, and it was hard not to feel sympathetic. Cain had been conditioned at a young age to be ruthless and keep himself on top. He'd been constantly exposed to cameras and manipulation for the sake of his parent's happiness, how was he supposed to fight that? No doubt his parents weren't happy with these recent developments and I was honestly kind of worried about it. Yes, this was me having second thoughts. Vicious, vicious second thoughts from someone who had clearly acted too rashly. In the moment I had been angry, too angry to consider anything less than Cain's head on a platter, but I was calmer now. The more I learned, the less I wanted blood and the more I wanted to help. It was what my mother called the jellyfish in me; that is to say, I was spineless.

"It's already done," Tobias shrugged at me, clearly unbothered. "You can't take it back now, even if you want to so you might as well just calm down."

"Fuck."

He was absolutely right. It was too late to take it back and the plan was already in motion. Regardless of anything I tried to do, Cain was probably getting fired and disgraced just like I'd wanted. I found myself wondering in a spot of humor if jellyfish like me ever stung themselves. I certainly felt like a spineless little blob in an ocean of problems I'd created, like I was constantly walking into my own tentacles and slowly killing myself, but Tobias was right. It was too late, so I needed to just calm down and end it. No more meddling for me. I'd get rid of the information on Cain when I got home, and I'd block both Frankie and Miles's numbers rather than simply muting them. It was done, and after this, I would cut everything off and go back to peaceful mundanity never again to meddle in the world I'd run from. The only thing I would keep from it was Zig and that was that. No more open, uncertain waters, no more hugging my own stingers, just me suffering silently with my own self-hatred.

I swallowed roughly, nodding. "You're right. You're right, there's no changing it. I hope this at least makes you feel better because I kind of feel like garbage."

"It does," he affirmed. "I'm sorry you don't feel the same. And for the record, I recognize that provoking his parents into murder is a little much, but hey: I'm going to hell anyway, right?"