I told my mom today that I wanted to take singing lessons. She told me no cause apparently I don’t deserve them. Like whatever. I’m too good for singing lessons anyway. Zazo once told me I could become famous because I’m such an amazing singer. I believe him to.
So today Blake was supposed to pick me up from school, because I guess all my other brothers were all busy or something, even the ones who go to school with me. But he never showed up! I called him like twice too. I was so mad I almost cried. But then I thought of Heian, my old pet turtle, and told myself he never cried so I shouldn’t either. And then I thought I don’t know what turtles look like when they cry, so he may have with me not knowing it, so I started to cry. It’s like a ten mile walk to my mom’s house, no joke. I’m way too lazy to walk that far.
So I walked to the park by the school. I sat there for awhile just thinking, and actually being serious while I was thinking, I think my meds actually worked today. But I was thinking about how I hate my dad. I honestly don’t know what I did to make him hate me either. I didn’t tell my brothers that he ignored me the other day either, I didn’t want to hurt their feelings cause they actually wanted me to talk to him. But I just can’t see myself ever talking to my dad again. He’s just caused me so much emotional stress, and pain. I hate myself because I can’t fix it, yet I hate myself for letting it get this far and I don’t even know what I did.
I’m also thinking about how my relationship with my brothers has gotten worse over the last few months. I used to be so close to them. Like I could tell them anything. And now I’m hiding things from them and I don’t tell them a lot. I just sometimes feel like my family would be better off without me. I sometimes sit in the shower a night and just cry. Cry because I don’t have a dad who cares, cry because I have brothers who care more about their whores than they do about me, cry because my mom is always working and I just miss her, and mostly cry because I hate myself. I hate how I’m not perfect. I hate how I still have stuffed animals who I still talk too even though I know they will never respond to me. I hate how I’m not a stick, I have some belly fat. I hate how I’m not very pretty. But most of all, I hate how I can’t tell anyone those things. I just keep them bottled up.
Now I’m tired of being serious, so I’m just going to think about the purple flying chickens that I dreamed about last night. I named one of them Bob, cause he just looked like a Bob to me. Although he kind of looked like Kyle, so I may change it if he acts like Kyle. Cause how funny would it be if I told my brother Kyle that I had an imaginary pet chicken named Kyle? I’m already ROFL’ing. Like for real. I’m on the ground laughing. Now I have dirt in my hair.
As I’m thinking about the dirt my phone starts to ring. “Hello”
“Oh gosh Kaiz, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and I didn’t hear my phone. I’m on my way now” Blake said.
“No it’s fine. I was actually just walking over to Sawyers house to hangout for a little bit. I figured I’d rather be around people who care about me than those who forget about me…” I then hung up. I felt bad but at the same time I didn’t. I mean he did forget about me. And I can almost promise you one of the other boys was home; they all could’ve realized I wasn’t there. But they didn’t so now I’m just going to chill on the swings for a while. I lied about going to Sawyer’s, my best friends, house. I want to go but at the same time I don’t. We haven’t really talked in the last few weeks.
It’s been three hours since I told Blake I was going to Sawyers, two and a half hours since I started to walk home, and three minutes since I’ve been standing outside my house just looking at it, not wanting to go in. But I like all good things, my time alone has to come to an end sometime. As I walk in the house I hear some of the boys talking in the living room, so I decide to listen to their conversation.
“Dude I was talking to dad the other day and I asked him about the lunch thing with Kaiz. He said it was awful because it’s like Kaiz isn’t even his daughter anymore.”
“What does that even mean? She seams the…” Chase stopped what he was saying when he saw me in the doorway.
“Kaiz! Where the hell have you been! We’ve been worried sick!” Cody exclaims.
“I’ve been walking home, since none of my brother’s care enough to actually call or give me a ride. You really were worried weren’t ya? My phone has been on the whole time, I’ve go not even one call from any of you, except Blake. But that was just to tell me he forgot about me. So now that my night’s been ruined, goodnight. Hope you all have an amazing rest of the day”
A/N I’m so sorry it took me so long to update! Hope you enjoyed this chapter
