The Journal Of A Writer

The Lemons

    12:05 A.M - Friday
February 14, 2019

     When life hands you lemons, you don't make lemonade. Life never handed you those lemons to make something normal, it handed you those lemons to create something new. To be unique, to show our true selves. So, why do we all think it's okay to just "go with the flow" when we should be living life the way we want to experience it? Why is it that every time a humans are given advice, we are so easily offended? Why is it, that when I give advice, I'm no longer a friend?
     I've said a lot of things in my life, so much in fact that if you ask me to recall the last conversation with my best friend I wouldn't be able to tell you.
     I haven't had a best friend since freshman year of high school and I don't even know what happened to us. We were so compatible, so able and willing to be each others friends that we never fought. If he said something I didn't like, I'd let it go. If I said something he thought was weird, he would embrace it, so why are we no longer friends?
     I'm in college now, in my spring semester of freshman year, four years since we last spoke. He wasn't my only best friend, I had a few before, and just like this one, it turned out sour.
     Obviously it's something I'm saying or doing, but I just don't know what it is, and that's my problem. I have no filter.
     I say stupid things, at the worst times and it always ends up biting me in the butt in the long run. In reality you would think I would have gotten help, but I'm just too stubborn, or maybe it's that my mother is so convinced that there is nothing wrong with me.
     I just keep thinking how he's probably happier now that I'm not in his life. Just like my first best friend. She and I were friends for so long that when we split I was so upset that I was like a desperate girlfriend, trying to win back her soul mate.
     I tried texting, calling, emailing, even instant messaging but she never responded. I didn't get that closer that I so wanted and quite frankly deserved. So the second time it happened, I thought it would be easier...but it wasn't.
     I had moved to a different school and decided to start fresh. We met in Physical Science, and hit it off immediately. I'll admit, I started off flirting with him. He was so sweet, I remember how much of a stud I thought he was, but no one else ever did, which labeled me the weirdo. Because two weirdos, make two weirdos.
     We were friends for a few months and grew so attached until one day he asked me out. It was never a serious relationship. In fact, I remember a few of my friends telling me we were in a middle school relationship because we never did anything but hold hands. Sure we'd kiss on the cheek when we walked each other to class, but that didn't really count. Then one day he told me to look at him when I was rushing to the pickup line because my mom was always one of the first there. He looked me straight in the eyes and kissed me on the lips, but I was so shell shocked that I just said, "lovve you, bye." I said I love you like it was nothing. Isn't the rule three months of dating before you utter those sacred words?
     Something that you should only say if you intended to live together with this person forever, and they just slipped out of my mouth like that, no thought at all. I choose to believe that it was just an instinctual event, and that I didn't really mean it but who knows what my mind was thinking that day.
     I've never really been an affectionate person, and it's probably because my parents never gave me "the talk" and never really told me what to do when I liked somebody. I've never truly had a first kiss because the one k had with him wasn't two way, it was strictly a "hey I'm here if you need me" peck that couldn't have been more than half a second long.
     We only dated for a month which also makes me think that when I said those dreaded words, it was really true. Maybe I just meant I loved him as a friend, but I wasn't a true girl friend because I told him I was moving at the end of the year. I guess that means he wasn't a good boy friend either because not a few days later he started dating one if my best friends and neither one of them found anything wrong with it. Not only that but her troll like figure made me feel like I was ugly, and deserved this pain, so I told them I was happy for them and went on my way.
     They have been together now for five years and I'm happy for them truly.
No I'm not I'm angry. I've told him before, "you can't be serious she is so abusive to you why do you still go to her? She's controlling, she's a pain, she's not worth it."
     He and I haven't talked in years. We just stopped talking. We've never lost contact in my mind. In my head we still have a great relationship. We may not be dating but it's great nonetheless.
    
     Maybe we would have that relationship if I knew what my struggle was. What is wrong with me? I truly wish I knew.