Complicated Love

Chapter 1

3.45am: He's coming, he's really coming back.

I'm lying on my back, watching time pass by as I feel restless and unable to go to bed. My long wavy brown hair is messily sprawled on my bed and it almost looks identical to that of a rat's nest but it's too late into the night to care, and I'm wearing one of my brother's t shirts. Which is big and long and fits me loosely.

With my hands resting on my stomach feeling the rising and falling of my breathing. I find it harder to breathe by the hour. I do this quite often. Lying on my bed, taking a nap even though I have a pile of work to do, the same height as Mount Everest. But I don't have any motivation to work, procrastination at its finest. 

I feel like I'm standing on top of Mount Everest right now, it isn't a victorious feeling of overcoming a lifelong challenge of strength building, it's the feeling of being up so high that you aren't able to breathe. It's like my lungs are closed off and no oxygen is being supplied to my heart.

I'm breathing in deep breaths of nothingness.

The focus of my vision is on the clock that ticks at a constant speed, it almost sounds like it's getting louder in the quiet of the night, my heart aches and beats faster as I begin to overthink things, which I do on a regular basis, but this time it's different. I can't help overthinking, I can't just push things away now, because sooner or later I'm going to have to confront my feelings.

Every time I recall a moment of regret, my body momentarily shudders, and I internally and somewhat externally scream, roll over and grab my comforter and I cover my face with it like I'm a small child that has just been fooled by the shadows of trees from the open window, thinking that the security of their blanket will protect them from the monsters that lurk around in the darkness. Well it doesn't and it also doesn't do anything to prevent the regrets and embarrassing moments from entering my head. 

I wish

In a few hours, my brother Dean will be coming back from college for the summer holiday, it's his first time back since he flew over their and my parents and I have spent almost 3 summers without him. I miss him, he's only 2 years older but if feels he's a lot older. I've always been the baby sister that he's had to take care of. And he's always been the big brother that I can freely tease until he fights back with more teasing. But Dean coming back also means that he will come back too.

Thomas Evans

My childhood best friend and unfortunately....

Current Crush 

That's why I'm nervous.

We've known each other since I was in diapers and he practically lived down the street and he and my brother used to meet for playdates almost every day. I don't know how we became friends. My mum tells me that once I learned how to crawl, I would always go over to annoy them or play transformers with them and I would cry every time they would move away, excluding me leaving me with nothing but a pacifier in my mouth and salty confused emotions. But, as I annoyed them more. One day they just decided to include me. But my parents probably just gave Dean a lecture about excluding me.

Poor dean.

Sucks to be the eldest.

Haha, can't relate.

I don't know what time I drifted to sleep at but I woke up in the middle of the night with an unsettled feeling in my heart, I told myself I was over him. 

Every now and then when my stupid mind has nothing to think of or when it's not overthinking about some other current situation in my life, it wanders to him. Or when my parents bring him up in conversations, the memory of that night just floods into my mind and I mentally slap myself with regret. I just don't know what to say, when my breathing stops for a split second. It's always the same I nod, try to act fine then my mind spaces out.

It's not like I can help it, sometimes I think of him when I wake up, or when I go to sleep. How the fuck do I get over him? What do I do when he comes back? How am I supposed to act like nothing's happened when in reality something did? Someone's gonna notice, and they're going to ask me if I'm okay and I'll be stuck in the awkward situation of lying to their faces. 

In better words, I'm not slick. I am as obvious, as a big black spider on a white wall. 

Spoiler alert. It doesn't end well for the spider. Ooooops

I'm hurt but he doesn't need to know that.

And he will never know that because I won't let him.

I won't let anyone know.

I made a promise to myself that night. 

And I don't have any intention of breaking it.

I'm okay, really.

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A/N Hey guys that was the first chapter of 'Complicated'. I hope you enjoyed, I promise there will be more updates on this book. Can you relate to Jessica in anyway? This is just an intro chapter but it really highlights how Jessica is feeling about her crush coming back to town. More will be revealed in future chapters. Dreamer x