The True Real Me

the real me

Here I am alone, lonely, tired, dreaming, scared, wishful, doubtful, and helpless.

I am lonely because the people I thought of as my friends have befriended the people I do not like

I am alone because im a shy, timid, scared, and closed off person.
(And yes this partly my own fault but most people don't even try to befriend me I have to be the one to try and keep a friendship going or make one no one else steps up to even TRY)

I am tired of life I hate my education because I am to lazy to do it I hate that I cannot stand school and I am having a hard time understanding it I like certain subjects but I am still avoiding them and I do not like the subjects at the same time and I am confused and unsure of why I feel this way.

I am still dreaming of a better life dreaming of children, a beautiful house, a wonderful husband, and an amazing future.

But scared and doubtful that I will never have that future nor be able to go to college
scared of my parents disapproval and their disappointment when that happens
scared I will end up with a horrible career that I do not like and-
scared of never being loved by someone or understood.

I am wishful of actually being able to have that life and future or wishful that I will die a fast death soon so I will not be burdened with disappointment, sadness, and overwhelming regrets, and wishful that fairytales really are true.

Helpless simply because I cannot bring myself to talk to my family about these troubles because I believe they will have different views on these problems then I have or understand what I am going through.

I am tired and depressed but I know it is not worth killing myself over just because I am lazy and don't have the willpower to do anything I know there are others that think they have more justified reasons for killing themselves and I'm sure they do have more justifiable reasons than I do.

I also am to much of a coward to kill myself or cut myself scared of the pain it will bring and I also know I have a family and people who care I could never bring myself to hurt them by suicide.

I am just another person striving to be loved to live a fairytale but afraid to never be able to reach it doubtful that their is even a possibility that fairytales come true.

Right now I hate being alive but will not kill myself not because I have anything to live for but because I will never hurt my family like that if they were not here I would do it in a heart beat because life has already become a monster to me.

it doesn't seem worth it anymore when I could be in heaven in my lords embrace wrapped in his eternal love you say he has given us the gift of life I say life is a punishment for our sins or at least for me you can say what you want because I don't care I yearn to get away from all of this and the only place I feel happiest at is within my dreams my only wish in this world is to fall asleep with my dreams and to never awake.