The Tears of Faith

Chapter ➊ | A Chance to a New Life

A CHANCE TO A NEW LIFE

"MA'AM, saan po tayo?"

Lumipad ang mata ko sa rearview mirror at nakita kong nakatingin sa akin ang driver ng taxi na sinasakyan ko, naghihintay ng sagot.

I'm not sure. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Kung saan ako tutungo. Kanina ko pa pinapaikot ang driver, and I know I'm wasting time. Halos isang oras na ang lumipas pero hindi ko pa rin kayang bumalik.

I still need time.

Pero alam ko rin na ito na ang tamang oras. Hindi ko na puwedeng ipagpaliban pa ito. I have to do this. I needed to.

Huminga ako ng malalim at pinuno ko ng hangin ang dibdib ko. "Liko po tayo sa sunod na daan," sabi ko sa matandang driver. Alam kong naiinis na siya pero hindi niya magawang ipakita iyon sa'kin dahil siguro sa hitsura ko.

I'm white as paper. Pallid as an invalid—exactly how I feel right now. Invalid. Useless.

I stretched my dress for nth time, kahit na walang kusot doon. Kailangan kong gumalaw dahil baka bigla na lang akong manigas ditto.

Tinanaw ko ang bintana habang tinatahak namin ang pamilyar na daan na matagal ko ng hindi binabalikan. Ang lugar kung saan nagsimula ang lahat. At kung saan din siguro magtatapos lahat

Dito sa lugar na ito, naranasan ko ang maging masaya ulit sa kabila ng dagok na dumaan sa buhay ko at sa pamilya ko. Naranasan ko ulit mangarap at mabuhay. Pero lahat ng bagay may katapusan.

People often say that love hurts. But it's not. I know because I once fell in love and I knew he did love me, too. Hindi masakit ang magmahal. What hurts is the rejection inflicted from someone you care the most. What hurts is the loneliness that comes from losing someone you love.

Love does not hurt. When both my parents died, it was love that saved me from feeling the pain, from loneliness, and all of the ugly things in this world. Love made me feel happy and wonderful again.

I wouldn't know how rejection feels like because I never had been rejected, kahit sa simpleng bagay. But I know how it felt to betray those people you love. And for me, that hurts more.

I hurt people I love in the past, especially the man I vowed to love and to cherish for the rest of my life. It was a hard decision for me to make—to leave. It was painful even for me, but I didn't regret leaving. I'm just sorry that I had to hurt them for my sole desire to vanish.

There are few things in life that people couldn't understand. Life is a mystery in itself, and humans are part of it. There are books that tell us everything there is to know about life, science, and even teach us how to count. But a human's emotion and mind are something a book couldn't master.

I left that night, three years ago keeping my darkest secret with me. I left because I was scared and I was so lost then. With all the things that I was going through, iisa lang ang kinakatakutan ko. That was to see my loved ones suffer because of me. Hindi ko kaya iyon.

And now that I came back... I don't know what will happen.

As I stood here, looking at the house I left so many years ago... I couldn't even describe the myriad of emotions coiling around my chest. They felt heavy, suppressing me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari oras na i-apak ko ang mga paa ko sa loob ng bahay na iyon.

I knew this day would come sooner or later. At kailangan kong ihanda ang sarili ko. So I prepared myself for anything that might happen before I decided to come back home. Especially if I have to face him again.