Takipsilim

Kabanata 1

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Twitter: #Takipsilim @EinahWP

➳ Kabanata 1

Loneliness was such a lacking word.

It couldn’t match to my gut-wrenching reality, to what I terribly felt deep inside. Nothing would have sufficed.

I couldn’t understand.

I didn’t want to understand.

My chest hurt—it had been hurting for days. To my young mind, the answer to my question was difficult to look for. For that, I’d always detest my limited capabilities and understanding.

I was starting to dislike the word ‘limitation’ and all its forms.

I found it hard to breathe meeting people that I didn’t know exist. It had been my mantra to spend at least three hours with my parents and bask myself in my own deep despondency.

My little heart could barely handle the truth. Eventually, I had to walk away and locked up myself in my room.

My room was full of teddy bears and abstract portraits and the atmosphere was light and lovely. I’d always remember how my mother would take a sneaky peek inside my room to check on me.

Mama always wanted to make sure that I should be sound asleep when it was past my bedtime. It had been five days and I already missed her and all the things that she secretly did for me.

Things were poles apart now.

My room was no longer delightful. I was too little to say this, but the confines of my four bedroom walls felt miserable. It was a little too huge for my liking, a little too dull.

I felt lonely.

No teddy bears would comfort me anymore. No abstract portraits could divert my thoughts to something else. My aunts and uncles, my cousins and other relatives, they were all scary to me.

Mang Tomas was nowhere to be found.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang pag-alpas ng hikbi sa aking mga labi. Umupo ako sa isang sulok ng aking kwarto at doon tahimik na umiyak.

Narinig ko ang usapan nina Tita Kim at Tita Khloe kanina. Mukha silang nagtatalo kung sino muna ang kukupkop sa akin pansamantala. Their tone was edgy; they sounded hesitant. Nang makita nila akong nakatingin ay bigla nila akong dinaluhan upang yakapin.

It felt weird, but it somehow brought solace to my bewildered mind.

I brought my knees to my chest and lowered my head in my hands, a grief-stricken sob breaking free from my throat. Ilang araw nang namumugto ang aking mga mata at hindi nakatulong ang mga nakakaawang tinging ipinupukol sa akin ng mga guro sa school.

One of my classmates would constantly ask about my feelings, and when I broke down and cry, they’d laugh and make fun of me, my misery.

“Nasaan ang mga magulang mo?” tanong ni Unique habang nginunguya ang baon niyang chicken sandwich. He’d always brag that it was made by his mother.

Lumipad ang tingin ko sa tatlo pang mga lalaking nasa likod ni Unique, tila nakasunod sa kanilang kaibigan. They all looked smug, and for some reason, they were smiling to each other.