Date: 25-08-2019
When moon is brightest in the sky, when whole city is silent, all roads are empty with just the street lights, the almost houses are asleep and everyone is in the dreamland, here I am trying to sleep but as the mindfuxked as every millennial is, my brain is just over functioning, going through the collection of thoughts arranged in the manner that each thought will embarrass me more then the previous one. A lost life, empty love story with the pool of insecurity and low self confidence, I was off to bed try to sleep.
11.45 pm.
With lowest brightness possible, plugged earphone, I started to browse WhatsApp, a text from mom saying to call her, a long lost friend saying hi, and 3-4 Whatsapp groups with random messages, there was actually nothing to check, so I switched to instagram. Going through stories of the people I know and how happening their life is, even if that distributes me I still keep looking, just to say updated what everyone is doing. Laughing through some MEMS to stalking crushes, Instagram has been and will be my comfort place to go to.
1.10 am
After a tremendous tiring scrolling, sleep was no near to my eyes. The night was getting more dark and silent. Even listening to songs didn't affect. Tried keeping phone away but we all know that never works. So while in pool of thoughts, I remembered that in childhood my father's stories helped me sleep. There was not even one night when I used to skip that. Even when I am in my twenties, whenever I get chance I ask him to tell a story. He tells tales from childhood storybooks to science fiction, from religion to politics, from his experiences to philosophy. Being a reader, he had knowledge for many things. I saw the world using his eyes that helped me understand him and surroundings better. I though I can try this but calling the father this late doesn't seem like a good idea so I turned to movies. I picked a story I knew but hadn't seen in a while so I will be able to finish it quickly. Basically just an escape from reality. So I opened Netflix and after a little search I landed on the movie Dear Zindagi.
3.20 am
I am crying my ass out. Why did I choose that movie? "Just an idiot. Just looking for silly reasons to cry. Just get over it. Let it go. It's not worth it." Just hearing the words of people in my head, whenever they consoled me. I know it's not worth it then why I am still holding onto it. I know it's not worth keeping then why I am not able to let it go. In the movie shah rukh said "If you don't do anything new and still expect things to change, you are crazy" but why after trying for 4 years I am still there? Maybe I haven't tried enough. Maybe I wasn't able to make my peace with past. Maybe I am not a "practical" person who moves on easily. Maybe I should just stop crying and sleep off.
And in between my rushing thoughts, I washed my crying face, had some water, a little piece of chocolate and went to bed.
Maybe choosing crying to relax to get a sleep was not a great choice but at the end of the day all matters that how well do you sleep and being an anxious insomniac, I would do whatever it takes to get myself some good amount of sleep. Being hurt, you tend to do things you are not proud of but you need to go through it. That's what it is for me. The night of facing myself and being vulnerable.
