Risk It All

XVI

The flight was long, and with their layover flight in California, most of the team fell asleep on the trip there. But not Matt, nor Shane. Shane couldn't sleep knowing that their business was unfinished, and he felt vulnerable. It felt wrong to sleep when he felt an obligation to his team to think of every possible attack against them, and to prepare for it. He felt like he couldn't sleep, because he owed it to them to be their leader, to know everything. It weighed heavily on his heart.

Matt couldn't sleep because he knew he'd have to face Vanessa. He felt guilty, he felt like he should have known better than to fall for Vanessa. He knew there was no way of knowing who she really was, but he was still disappointed in himself that he wasn't able to see it. He still hurt Alissa, and that hurt him worst of all. He wished he had a crystal ball or a time machine that would take him back and prevent it all from happening. Maybe he wouldn't have almost died.

Matt always liked to put it on Shane every time he was put in danger or was shot, since Shane really was a danger magnet. But, this time Matt had nobody to blame but himself. The decisions he made led him right into the tiger's mouth, and it almost ruined everyone.

Matt wasn't sure if he would ever be able to go back into the field after Kelly died. He didn't know what his life would be like, how he would be able to do his job with the weight of the guilt of her death on his shoulders. But, with Shane's help, he was able to get back to some sense of normalcy. He thought that it was the worst he could possibly get, that nothing would ever top his guilt and his drinking and his mental state, but he felt himself veering in that direction again. Alissa wasn't physically gone, but he knew that things may never be the same again.

He just wished he could go back and do it all again. He wished he could do it differently. Even when Alissa was right next to him, he could still feel that she wasn't really there with him. She had a lot to recover from, and Matt knew that. He didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to fix her.

He knew that taking down Andrei and Brianna, though he knew her as Vanessa, would only make so much of a difference. They wouldn't be in immediate danger anymore, but Matt felt that the threats against them wasn't the only thing impacting them. It was only part of the problem, and the part he couldn't fix would maybe never be fixed.

Shane's exhausted eyes met Matt's from across the plane, and they both saw a familiar face staring back at them; the face of self-doubt and regret. It was an ugly thing, and it was taking a toll on all of them. Shane was desperate. He would have given anything to not be responsible for the weight of the world, but he couldn't shake the dedication to his team. He felt obligated to keep his family safe, and whatever he did was never enough for him. It was a constant battle between him and himself, trying to reach a goal for something that was unavoidable. He couldn't protect everyone he loved at all times from everything. That ate away at him, but there was nothing he could do about it.

When they landed in Hawai'i, it was a hazy, warm morning. They greeted the Aloha state with heavy, tired eyes, and they wished they could enjoy the tropical paradise. The Honolulu police department set them up with a safe house where they could continue their investigation and rest before going in for the main operation. Shane spent a good amount of time at the HPD precinct, organizing their case with HPD's case and gathering their resources. Alissa tried to unwind by taking a short swim in the pool, clearing her mind under the quiet water. Matt couldn't do the same. He was sitting on the pool edge, his feet in the water, but the tension was so high between the team, there was no real unwinding.

Alissa came up to the surface of the water and rested against the pool deck next to Matt.

"Alissa, I don't know how I feel about this operation."