Just Another True Story

eumoirous

all names have been changed** 

eumoirous

noun - happiness derived from being honest and wholesome

Yesterday evening, I felt as though a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over my head, drenching me in reality. When I close my eyes, it's as though I am two different people. One side of me feels everything - the headache in my brain, the sorrow in my heart and the hopelessness in my gut. The other half of me is completely numb.

I realised yesterday that tonight, it will have been five days until I last had a meaningful conversation with someone. Five days since I last had any form of physical contact with another person and over five weeks since someone actually really touched me.

I suppose I've always been a lonely person. I grew up with siblings who were too much older than me to really be counted as having grown up with me, themselves. So, I was raised more like an only child who had all the perks of hand-me-downs. I never had many friends and I would cry every morning that my mum had to drop me off at the childminders before school. But, still, I never really thought that I could, or would, ever be this alone. 

I think that's part of the reason I decided to do this. I wanted someone to know me, all of me, without actually having to face the possibility of any kind of rejection. 

I can't bear to face that kind of hurt again. Not right now, anyway. So for now, I'll stick to doing this. 

I'm trying to find my eumoirous - my happiness wrought from telling the truth in life. Hopefully, one day, I'll have it because right now I fear I've been living a lie. 

Not that I'm a dishonest person, but I feel as though some people have all the more to share, that when they don't it can be perceived as deceptive in some way. But, that's not why I don't tend to share the things of my past. I'm not ashamed of anything I've been through, though I understand it's not actually socially acceptable to just come out and speak of the sort of things I've been through. 

I always get that fear on first dates. Second dates too. Third dates - should I open up yet, or is it still too soon?

Turns out I'm always too late, as by then the guy is usually gone. 

I'm nineteen years old and I have never been in a relationship. Not that I find that something bad or shameful, but it's not something that particularly fills me with hope for the future. 

I wouldn't say I'm ugly, or even a bad person. It sounds conceited but I know I'm attractive, I own a mirror and a working pair of eyes to see. I also know that people tend to like me. 

I'm just not too good at the whole trusting others thing. 

In all fairness to myself, though, there's most likely plenty of decent reasons for that in my case. 

You constantly see new statistics revealing that young people are some of the loneliest in the country, but I had never really believed it until I moved to university. I have a few truly wonderful friends here that I would trust with almost everything. I have some great friends back home with my family, too. 

Somehow, none of that matters. I can go out, have a great time having great, meaningful conversations with my friends only to walk home and burst into tears and reach for a cigarette, even though I don't actually smoke. I can't even begin to explain the number of times I've drunkenly cried and slurred I love you's to my friends, clinging to them because I didn't want to be alone.