Being Happy with Yourself and By Yourself

When I was growing up, I used to want to blend in with everyone. I wanted to be like everyone or someone.

What a dumb dumb I was back then...

I shamefully admit, back then I was rather arrogant too. I thought by being cool and aloof, people would like me better. I wanted so badly to fit in. I wanted to show them that I was better..

Better than who? Better than what?

I still don't have that answer.

Over the years, after a few failed relationships, and a failed marriage, I realised, I have to love myself and be happy with myself in order for people to like me genuinely. If that doesn't make sense, allow me to explain it as best as I can..

Before my divorce, I was unhappy (duh!)... I was stuck in a marriage with a man that I have lost respect and love for...and I had a young child. I became snappy, grumpy and broody. Obviously I didn't sound like someone whom you'd want to be around...

A friend told me, straight to the face, that I was a totally different person when I'm with him and when I'm without him.
When I was with him, I was tensed... I was always in a certain mood. And when I was without him, I was chirpy and glowy...
Now that got me thinking...

If a friend could see the change in my demeanour, what about my family? What about my son? He was a bright kid of 4 years(now a young smarty-pants of almost 9 years). What if he started to question me? What if he asked why Mommy always had a frown or is always grumpy and snappy?

I knew then I had to do something...
So I thought long and hard. I knew I had to get out of a toxic relationahip. I had to, for my sake and for my son.

So I told him I wanted a divorce. After much debate and many round table discussions (we literally sat at the round dining table every night for a week, just hashing things out) we filed for a divorce.

So, after a couple of months, I was declared legally divorced and a single mom. It was scary at first. It was hard. But it taught me a great deal about myself.

I learnt to be independent. I learnt to keep moving forward. I was proud of myself. For not falling apart. For keeping it together. For not giving up on life when the going got tough.

I had the support of my family and friends. They cheered me on from the sidelines. They constantly encouraged me. So I pushed on. I soldiered on.

It's been about 5 years since the divorce and I'm happy. I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with myself.

I've learnt that I don't have to fit in everywhere or with everyone. I'm happiest when I'm off doing things I love and with people I love. It doesn't matter if a group of friends don't invite me out with them. I know and they know that I've got different responsibilities and priorities.

Just recently I finally had the courage to give a relationship a try with a rather special person (being bias here) whom I've known for a while.
We were happy. He understood and accepted my single mom status and all the responsibilities and priorities that come with the status.

The relationship we had (note the past tense... I'll get to that in a bit) was comfortable and just felt very natural. The transition from being friends to lovers was easy and just felt right.

When I had time to myself, I'd share that time with him. When my boy was with his father, I'd spend that time with this special person (Let's call him Mr D). We'd spend time together, talking (yes, talking) and also we'd spend time together in silence. We could talk about anything and everything. And we could just sit together and not talk. Just revelling in the presence of each other and of being together.

Mr D was someone whom I could be myself. I didn't have to have my walls up or put up a front. I didn't have to be cautious. I knew he was a good person. And he loved me tremendously. I loved him very much too. (The love is still burning bright).

But alas, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end...

He ended our relationship after 2 beautiful months. It wasn't what he wanted to do, it was something he HAD to do. You see, we are both of different race and religion. His family wasn't happy that he was serious about a single mom. So they forced him to break up with me.

It was heart breaking, for me and ten fold for him.

His family is now forcing him to marry another. Someone they've chosen for him. Someone whom he barely knows. You can imagine how terrified and agonizing that can be. Being forced into a marriage to a stranger whilst still being deeply in love with another. I wouldn't want to be in that position. I feel so sorry for him. But there's nothing I can do.

So after a few weeks of self pity, and mourning the loss of our relationship, I made a decision. I need to be happy with myself and be by myself again.

I do love him still.. but unless we can miraculously be together, there's nothing much I can do except love him from a distance and encourage him to pick himself up and move on with life.
I've read somewhere that when someone helps you when they're struggling, that's not help. That's love.

So yes, love is strong...and it is strongest when you believe in it. I believe that if we're meant to be with each other, we'd find out way back into each other's arms...one day...

But for now, I'm back to doing things that make me happy...by myself.
I've taken up dance lessons (coz I love to dance and I know I'm somewhat good at it), I've taken up working out when my boy is away at his dad's. I do this all.. all by myself and I'm happy. And I've learnt something about myself too. I realised I'm good at putting my thoughts and feelings onto paper. Here I am today! On Medium!

Being happy with yourself means learning to accept who you are and feeling good about yourself. I know I'm not perfect, not even close to it. But does that make me unhappy? No, it doesn't... for I know no one is perfect... not me, not you. As long as I know my faults and change my ways, I'm a winner. Being happy with yourself, you'd be surprise, many will rejoice in that happiness with you.

Being happy by yourself on the other hand is learning to do things for You. Not for anyone else. You can't please everyone. Learn to not be dependent on anyone for your own happiness. You make yourself happy. Do what you love. Happiness lies within you.