written by : Mary Anne Seña
email : anne8_78@yahoo.com
Chapter 5
..... The next morning during breakfast Grandma asked Annie about Laura. She said simply she's fine. And it's because that's the first & last thing Fely wanted to hear, she took it as is. It was 87° outside, but inside their home seems like storm just passed by. The silence made Annie anxious, she's a loud person to begin with. Leen stayed in her room for hours, she said she felt sick. But Annie knew she was just avoiding awkwardness with the other three.
......
Dear Journal,
I know my Grandparents knew my sister will die but since it's too painful to bear...they chose to take whatever news we'll tell them. I don't know if I've been unfair? Tell me, have I? Is it fair to tell them something they have visualized it many times from their own minds??.. only because they're being in denial to admit that she needs to go ahead of time..that's why they have to asked the obvious?? Or was I being mean not to be frank enough to say the right exact informations I read on her Journal? I've seen my sister at her worst days but she tried her best to play good & pretend so we won't get stub right through our hearts just like that! I'm doing the same thing to these folks. But why I felt so guilty for lying about something that supposedly between Laura & her Journal? I need to cut down my curiosity sydrome thingi.. Sometimes it's better not to know anything at all.
Annie
January 1996
..... Laura had to undergo another dialysis, frequently throwing up, lost her appetite mostly..& all that suffering you can think of. And every night before she closes her eyes, she will say a prayer asking HIM not to take her eyesight sooner. She had stopped crying, instead she'll grabbed her Bible & read her favorite verse to ease herself from self pity. It was horrible every single day, but she knows there's a reason why it has to happen.
......
Dear Journal,
I thanked God today for giving me another day to live. My Doctors told me I have some nerve connecting to my eyes from my brain that's been bad.. I meant getting really bad. They might have to take one eye off to stop the cancer from affecting other good nerves. That if I'll survive the surgery. They said my heart is okay so I don't have to worry about it. They're actually surprised why my heart isn't weak after all those medications I'm taking. I just smiled. I been praying for that every chance I can, that even if everything else will shut down... I want my heart to be the last one to give up.. I wanted to love my sisters more even if I can't see them anymore or even if I can no longer hear them or remember who they were.. And so with my Mother & Grandparents. I know that even how many times you'll forget the people you love based on how they look... But your heart won't. I'm kinda scared to face my final day. Even how ready I am, I still have this fear of letting go. I'm afraid that my soul won't recognize my family anymore. I don't know how that will work??
Love,
Laura
January '96
...... Back to school for these two. And Annie finally got the spot for Leading the Cheering squad. Martha gave up competing, she got into an accident during Christmas & broke her hips. She's still mean though but not that harsh like before. Annie haven't seen Jon around & she's too shameful to ask where he is?? She attempted several times to go ask his friends but everytime she gets closer her knees will shiver. No one talked about him transferring to other school so she assumed maybe he haven't came back from his vacation. Classes are not that serious during the first two weeks, so maybe that's why he lagged.
