Sometimes I lay in bed and suddenly,
It hurts.
It feels as if someone is pressing down on my chest and I can't breath.
In those moments,
I grab my teddy bear tighter, roll over to the other side and wait for the pain to wash over me.
Eventuell it's getting better.
Eventually I'm drifting off to sleep.
Mostly I'm not.
In those nights,
I write letters in my head.
There's a pile of letters in my head for almost everyone.
Letters I'd never send,
Most of them not even write.
Letters which mean the world to me,
Filled with words I could never speak.
Some nights,
When my head won't let me sleep,
A few of those letters break free.
Words bleeding out of me and onto the white sheets of paper,
filling page after page until there's nothing left to say.
And as the pain fades,
So do I.
Sleep rolls over me and takes me someplace else.
A place without piles of unwritten, unanswered letters and question marks.
A place with answers, hope and maybe even happiness.
Until the next night and the next wave of pain, memories and unanswered questions.
