My Feelings Are Tied In Knots

The Heartbreak

Is it okay for me to feel this way? For me to feel hurt, sick to my stomach, and like I'm about to cry? I pretend like I don't care, but honestly I do. It was only a couple of months and then you started messing up. Did you enjoy the company of those girls and guys? Even if it was out of pure innocence? You lied to me and refused to listen. It hurt.

You said you loved me when I knew it wasn't real love. We cared for each other a lot, but we didn't have a good enough word to express it. Love. Love is such a special word that many people forget how to use it. To me that word is special. Was it truly special to you?

I'll admit. I was at fault too. I was so busy that I didn't make time for you. I guess waiting wasn't something that you liked to do. How couldn't you understand though? I had responsibilities and you had so much free time. It must have been fun with all that time on your hands.

Well, I guess no more checking whether I look good for you everyday anymore. I guess no more having a piece of gum after I eat a meal for you. No more getting to know funny, sad and interesting things about you. No more little kisses on the cheeks, forehead and nose. And no more encouraging hugs when I feel sad. I'm gonna miss this so much.

The gifts we got each other are so precious. I don't want to throw them away. I wore the necklace everyday. And when I saw you wear yours It made me so happy. The stuffed animals were priceless. You always got something weird that would make me smile. But the best gift was my first kiss. I was so nervous and then it happened. I blushed and you smiled. Ugh.

Now here we are. Where the akward silence start to float around friends, the constant looks from you, the constant looks from me, and the endless heartache I get when I see you. It hurts. I'm not going to sit here and hate you all my life because honestly I didn't want to break up. I just felt like I was starting to be too controlling for you. After I told you once you went off and did it again. I guess I do have trust issues, but that's how I am. You need to show me and assure me that I can trust you.

Sometimes I just want to go up to you and hug you and kiss you, but no. I can't. I don't understand why it's so hard to let go? Why should I even care anymore?

Sometimes I look at you and think I shouldn't give up. Maybe we can start dating again and just try to understand each other better. Yea that sounds good, but no. I have to be strong and know I gave him chances. I'm over babysitting him. Yet, I still miss him.

I'm sure these feelings will go away. Heartbreak, sadness, and depression don't last forever. They beat you down and it'll leave you in a mess, but it will go away. That pain you feel will pass like a storm, but you have to try to move on. Nothing will happen standing still. You will have heartbreak happen again and again as you grow. I'm not saying it will happen with every person you meet and date. But it will probably happen with every person you sincerely care about and you didn't want to lose them, you just felt like you had no choice.

That's just my opinion. Cause many people go through things so much differently from others. But no matter what we all understand that pain of losing someone. So none of us are alone to just think," Nobody understands what I'm going through!" Cause that's not true. Many people really do understand what you're going through.

So...I'll accept this and move on. We both need to. There's no use of regrets. I don't regret nothing. I wish it went a little differently, but I'm fine with this too. I hope he finds someone who doesn't nag him and just makes him happy. I know I made him smile too, but who knows if those were fake.

It's going to be hard being with someone else and kiss them. It sounds weird to kiss someone else. It makes me feel all gross thinking about it. Also having to get to know even more than you known the last person. I don't like it, but it'll be okay. I'm strong. Even when I feel low I know I will be fine. He will be okay too. I know it.