False Hope

Chapter 5: Sorry

She shook her head. "No," she put her head in her hands, "no, no no."

"No please," he said as he came over to her and tangled both hands in her hair on either side of her head, "listen."

She was the worst sister ever. She had betrayed her sister twice now. What kind of sister was she? Surely, once was enough. Now it had happened twice. Twice! It was like her mind was screaming. Begging for some kind of release from the pain she was feeling. She wished she could feel numb. Numb to everything. How many nights had she cried with her hand over her mouth in a desperate effort to muffle the despair when she found out about Tami's cancer? How come nobody knew about the melt downs she had when she was alone; only knowing about the smiles and laughs she showed them. The tears she shed, the pain she encountered, it was in the past, but her heart remained unspeakably crushed. She was so tired of mending herself every morning just to break again at night. The battle she was fighting on the inside was killing her.

She was a murderer. She killed the girl she used to be. Killed the positive, happy, loving girl that everyone loved to see. That girl was no more. She remembered the times she had truly been in despair. She remembered how her head had screamed for release and how her heart had cried inconsolably. In truth, she hadn't felt alright for a really long time. It was true about sad people always trying to make other people feel happy. Because she knew how terrible it was to feel worthless. Her mind, was killing her. Those moments when she had burst out crying in her room made her realize how truly unhappy she was. Her feelings? Oh, nobody needed to worry about those because no one else did. It was true.

Nobody really knew the real her. Nobody knew how many times she had sat in her room and cried. How many times she had lost hope. How many times she'd been let down. Nobody knew how many times she had held back tears. How many times she felt like she was about to snap but didn't for the sake of others. Nobody knew the thoughts that had gone through her head whenever she was sad, and how horrible they really were. Nobody.

The ugly sister. The horrible daughter. Not even the second choice but rather the last. The leftover. The unclever one. The talentless one. She was the, "why are you even here?" She just wasn't good enough.

Just like everybody else, he would get bored of her. He'd get annoyed by her. He'd hate her. He'd stop talking to her. He'd leave her. Eventually...

Congratulations Daniel. He just managed to make her feel like a worthless piece of crap. Would he like an award for that?

She didn't want to die, she didn't want to live. She didn't want to talk to anyone but she felt very lonely. She was afraid to tell anyone because she was afraid it would destroy them. So she buried it so deep inside herself that it destroyed her. She was more than what anyone saw.

Every day when someone had insulted her wanted to make her feel like nothing... no need to worry about breaking her or making her sad. How do you break something that is already broken? How do you sadden something that is already sad? How did people see the calm girl who they thought was so kept together? How didn't they know that she was in the middle of the most intense mental breakdown she'd ever had?

She was living in a body that was fighting to survive with a mind that tried to die.

Why was he trying to convince her she was worth it; she wasn't. The only person who could convince her otherwise was her, and that wasn't going to happen because... She. Was. Not. Worth. It. He shouldn't even try to convince her otherwise.

Silence. Sometimes it had defined most of her days. When she was silent. She didn't get enough sleep. Waiting for something to be over. Didn't have anything to talk about. Over thinking or over analyzing a situation. Upset or worried. Falling apart. Or just all of the above.