She smiled

Encounter with Self

   Expressing her emotions to others was an uphill task for a five-year-old Chloe. Various mood swings that followed the many visits to the hospital. They, against her will, helped her to see herself as unlovable. Fear, anticipation, hope that they would fix things — the disappointment when they weren't. Impatience and relief on the double chased each other around and around until she got home. Into the bargain, she felt rejected.

A result of her father's insistence that Chloe must not wear her prescription eyeglasses. He said that she was too young.

"Too young," she chewed over to herself, puzzled.

"I don't understand, Papa Joe, why I am too young?" She looked into his eyes while crying, "Papa, my eyes hurt; my teeth ache all the time."

"Wearing eyeglasses would define you and destroy your eyes;" he said firmly. Papa Joe walked away without looking back. What Chloe didn't know was that his resistance. Resulted from the fact that he detested using glasses himself.

As a little girl, Chloe wondered why her father didn't love her.

She recounted, "Do my constant hospital visits not bother him. Does it make me less of a child compared to my other siblings? I shouldn't have been born! Did it have something to do with the five-year age gap between my older sister and me? It could be Dad never wanted me considering the age gap?"

In those days, that was a significant age gap between siblings. One or two years was considered ideal.

Nevertheless, she pushed aside those evil perceptions. When she remembered that life was worth living with a gentle and caring Mama Joe, she is always willing to listen and comfort her.

Chloe's self-awareness grew much like the rising of the sun to light up the world. Chloe knew she was an adorable little girl, with smiles like the light of the morning. There was a lack of understanding of her completeness.

She often compared herself to her siblings. She in perpetuity drew into the dimming darkness of self-loathing, like the sunset.

Chloe was five years old when she had the first corrective surgery for her eyes. Her treatment followed her operation to strengthen her weak gums.

Mama Joe had tried to comfort her, even though the medical procedures were beyond her comprehension or mental ability. Mama Joe not formally educated, but she was the most robust support Chloe had to carry her through.

The appointment to determine if surgery would be an option was on a cold, dry, and dusty harmattan morning.

Apart from the unbearable weather, Papa Joe's driver was late. The combination of events meant Chloe and her mother arrived late for their appointment. The town's University Medical Centre was the only well-equipped teaching hospital. In the country of about 100 million people. They referred people from all over.

An appointment did not guarantee the doctor's examination. Though the patients have set nominated time, the sick were attended to on a 'first come, first served' basis.

Being attended to by the doctors depends on the connections, one had within the hospital. There was always a possibility that a nine am appointment might mean they would not attend to a patient until almost the close of the day.

The hospital departments operated an 'open clinic' policy. Regardless of how dangerous the degree of an ailment might be. Each week, they treated some gruesome eye diseases presented before Chloe.

The sight of the clinic was a trauma for a frail mind. There was a stench in the air rising from the combination of foul-smelling sores. The scene was often a mixture of the horrid smell and with the odour of the department's disinfectants.

The view and smell created an unpleasant bitter-sweet childhood experience. All these offensive scenes attacked the girl's senses, making Chloe sicker than she felt. It was puzzling and incomprehensible for her young age. Chloe felt torn between pain and comfort.

Mama Joe and Chloe arrived at the hospital two hours late for her appointment at the eye clinic. The environment was brimming like a ton of bricks with ill patients. Mama Joe had to send the driver to bring her husband to speed up the process.

Chloe shivered as she waited for the driver to return. Papa Joe was famous around the hospital. Once he arrived, all the doors that had shut to Mama Joe flew open, and other patients appointment times had to wait.

Papa Joe walked into the consultant's office, exchanging pleasantries. The doctor at once ushered Chloe and her mother into his office.

Sometimes, Chloe imagined Papa Joe as the 'proud superman' who could solve any problem. Once he left, they treated her Mama Joe otherwise. 'Belittled' was the best description of how Chloe imagined that her mother felt, though she did not express her displeasure.

The doctor who examined Chloe was one of the well-known consultants. Admitting, he was pleasant; she feared his masculinity. He reminded her of her father, and she held on to Mama Joe's hand with a terrifying grip.

Chloe went through a prolonged examination of her medical records and scans. The doctor recommended corrective surgery for chronic astigmatism resulting from the measles. But the short-sightedness observed she inherited from her father.

Her Papa Joe was well-off enough to afford the Radial Keratotomy treatment, although the advanced medical procedure was not available. An invention by a Japanese surgeon in the late 70s.

The consultant had recently returned to Africa from overseas. He of late, trained in this procedure. Chloe would be one of his clinical trials; the treatment would be an experiment.

The process required minor cuts on the surface of the cornea to change its shape. They set a date for the surgery, and they returned home.

The night before the surgery, Chloe woke up with a nightmare screaming,

"My eyes, my eyes. Help, Mama, Help!"

Mama Joe ran into the darkroom she shared with her sister. She cuddled her as she laid her hands on her child's eyes.

Praying, she whispered, "God Help me. Keep my daughter in your care and stop this awful pain."

Chloe held on to her mother. Her breath was heavy as she remembered the details of the dream where she lost her sight. Chloe expressed her anxiety about the surgery.

"I don't want to go to the hospital, Mama." She cried.

"You would be fine. You are a robust child. I would be with you." Mama Joe spoke decisively, wiping away her tears.

The surgery was not as painful as Chloe had feared. After three hours, they transferred her to the children's recovery wing, where she would have to remain for two days.

Chloe's father influenced the clinical decisions for her not to stay in the hospital to recover. She returned home with mandatory daily and weekly follow-ups.

Chloe became a regular face at the clinic for her weekly check-up and dressing appointments. They nicknamed her 'Smile and Shy' because even though she was pleasant.

She was a shy little girl who was always hiding behind Mama Joe's skirt. At one of her appointments, a few months after the surgery. The doctor discovered that the operation had not corrected the condition.

The only recommendation he could make was for her to use glasses as a corrective measure. In the interim, she would be on medication until a better medical procedure was available.

It was no different at the dental clinic. Chloe had horrifying experiences as they tried to rectify her weak gums. Resulting from the 'periodontal disease' she had suffered.