love letters to the stickman

i.

   #1

          I hate that I'm writing letters to you. I hate that it's so hard to get rid of you from my own thoughts to the point where I have to write down whatever I want to say to you because I'm unable to tell you in real life. I hate that I've let myself let this 'rewind' from 7th grade happen. I have a very strong connection with the word 'hate'.

          This isn't the first letter I've ever written to you--Dear Lord, no. I've written countless letters thinking about you. About your smile. About your emotionless eyes. About your ability to go from cute to some ancient Chinese farmer. You name it, I've written it all down. I was wild over you in seventh grade, and I fucking hate myself for even letting feelings get the best of me. I'm not supposed to swoon 24/7 over some stickman that's bitter at any form of love. I'm not supposed to swoon over someone I know I will never have a chance with. Yet, as if life decided to bully me, here I am doing just that.

          History repeats itself, I suppose. 2015 and 2018 - both very irritating years.

          I don't even rely on self-pity when I become heartbroken, because boy, I could see it coming a mile away. Maybe this isn't some love letter. Maybe this is the wake-up call I get that makes me realize how much I hate you and is what sends me into a pit of rage out to murder you. As much as I want that, like I've said earlier, life doesn't let me get what I want (though I do think that it's for the best).

          I don't even know why I like you at this point. You're mean, stuck-up, a know-it-all, and you specifically bully me a lot. I called a uniquely-shaped crayon an 'anal bead' and I show it to you all excited. You could've laughed or facepalmed--but NO. You just HAD TO slap it away and cause it to break apart.

          I cried.

          It's hard to face you when I'm crying because I know that you don't actually feel any sense of guilt when I do. You probably think I'm absolutely pathetic when I do because I cry over almost everything. You did the same thing to my ballpen in seventh grade when I told you not to, and you even had the audacity to throw it across the room.

          Son of a bitch.

          But I still like you. I like you so much that it's extremely hypocritical of me to even say that I hate you. I know you're a prick, I know that you don't really care about anyone other than yourself, but I can't help falling for you because of your idiotic jokes or your angry-bird looking face or how you talk to me about things ranging from having to ask stupid questions in Math because you know that the teacher's going to yell at us if we don't, or hitting me with your shirt (while yelling at me to reply to you) when I ignored you two days after a fight.

          I really don't want this to replay. I'm tired of having to watch you be with other people then come back to me when you're bored of them. I'm tired of silently hoping for some stepping stone to rise so that I could be one step closer to you. I'm not going to let myself be blinded by whatever I feel anymore. I'm not going to let myself use the song "Rewrite the Stars" as some sort of musical inspiration. I'm not.

         I'm not going to try and rewrite the stars. I already know that we're never going to be. I've accepted this realization ever since seventh grade me fell for you.

          I'm not going to let myself fall over from a surging wave of nostalgia. I've already done that far too many times.

🌊 ⛴ 🌊

this isn't a love story this series r my actual feelings 2wards this guy i like lol. fucking hate him 😎🤷🏻‍♀️

im not going to be placing author notes i just wanted to clear things up in case people are like "wow this story is boring and theres absolutely no romance between the two!!!" well its bc i have no romance at all in my life 😩👊🏻

note: its a boat because he wants 2 be a seaman hes a qt