iv.

15 0 0

by dewdss

by dewdss

Maybe the reason why I keep falling for you, over and over again, is because you're the future I don't want to give up on.

I'm sick. I know that I'd usually continue the sentence until it becomes "I'm sick of you", but no. I'm actually sick, I have a cold and it's too hard to breathe without sounding like I have an asthma attack every second. I'm writing this as it's 11:47 on a Wednesday night, and even though I know that I should be fast asleep by now, I can't say that I'll write everyday and then not do it. Everyday eventually becomes "later" and it turns into "tomorrow" and tomorrow is basically equal to in a few weeks or never. So here I am, sick and sick of my procrastinating tendency.

Today was an unexpectedly good day with you. I got to see you and again, weird eye contact that I don't know how to fix because I don't like looking at something and suddenly we're making eye contact. Why do our eyes keep connecting? It's pissing me off because I can't help but feel like some kind of stalker even though it's happening purely by chance.

The morning was boring, sure we spoke a lot, I stuck out my tongue at you to show its discoloration from my lollipop (to which you replied with "Ew"), and I was able to actually joke around with you instead of doing 70 rounds of 'awkward eye contact that none of us asked for'.

And then lunch time came, and it's not like we had lunch together or anything, but a discussion with a friend about the past and how one single decision could literally change anything happened. If I didn't have Wattpad, I'd be writing this in my iPhone's Notes app right now. If I pursued for this guy longer, we might've been together until now and my crush on you wouldn't come back. But no, every single choice that I chose led me to be right here and right now.

You look at some people and you think that they're the ones. You'll see the whole future together with them, even if you break up after only two months. And this whole thing threw me off-course, because I didn't expect to remember all the people I could've had futures with, but instead they became the futures I gave up on. Life is wack.

I liked the afternoon classes, we spoke a lot. In that strange time zone of 'It's not lunchtime and it's not class either, but we're already in the classroom', you actually talked to me without any awkward air. I told you that I was older than a certain classmate, and even though you seemed uninterested, you still listened to me talk. I told you that I was older than you (even if it's just by a few months) and you told me that you're turning 18 next year. Obviously, I knew that was a lie because we're still in 10th grade, but my mind's initial thought was "If you're 18 at a 10th grade class then you must've repeated a lot of school years". Yet, with you, who has pride as high as the whole class combined, I knew that you weren't going to tell me the truth immediately.

I paused, and I said "No you're not." And then you paused and told me that you are. I can see a lie when I spot one, but I didn't want you to call me out for knowing the truth or something (even though our roles were clearly reversed).

"Give me your diary," I said to you and you looked at me in disappointment. Long story short, our school's diary isn't like a journal or anything, it just has our personal information and pages for us to write down homework and reminders in. "If you need to check my diary, then you clearly don't know." and that made me snap because I know you so fucking well.

"NO! I KNOW THAT YOU WERE BORN IN YEAR 20.." and when I wavered, you started laughing and mocking me that I didn't know your birthday. "YEAR 2002!" I finally got to speak through your mockery of me. You had a small smile and told me that you and I could never be close friends because I needed to check the diary instead of trusting my gut on your birthday.

Well, at the beginning of the year, you assumed my birthday was 24 days later than it actually is, so who started it?

I smacked your armchair and told you that I DO know your birthday, but you'd just throw me off instead of telling me the truth for like 5 minutes and you just smiled and said "I was testing you." when the teacher entered.

What do you need to test me for? Lovesickness? Bitch, what?

Another thing I liked about today was when you accidentally dropped my toy gun towards me and as I kicked it, I sniffed. Because I'm sick and that's what sick people do.

"A-Are you crying because I dropped your gun?" you asked me, and I was happy that you started a conversation with me for once. I said no, because that sniff was just me trying to push the mucus back up before it cascades down my nose like a waterfall. You started making fun of me and told my seat-mate that I cried over a gun. I don't even know what the point of that was, but I stopped paying attention to you and started looking at the people answering the board.

And because I'm sick, I kept sniffing. I guess me sniffing was comedy gold to you, cause you kept breathing heavily through your nose, telling me "Oh, it's so good to breathe!" Then you'd pause to inhale. "I love fresh air!" Another inhale. "Breathing freely feels great!" Inhale. Okay, whatever you say, you Pneumonia magnet. This went on until I eventually sniffed less because I didn't want you to bully me over my inability to breathe.

And you were nicer today. I'd ask you a question and you'd answer me without being sarcastic for once. Instead of sighing like usual, you'd put full attention on me and tell me directly. I know that it's just me and my false hopes and that people are supposed to be like this in general--but seeing you nicer to me made me like you even more. Probably by only 2% though, cause I already like you a lot.

I don't know what happened to you to make you like this, but I feel better just by being around your happier vibes. Stay happy, dear, it really suits you when you are.