ii.

16 0 0

by dewdss

by dewdss

Some days I feel genuinely okay with admitting that I am hella whipped over you. Some days, however, I just want to leave myself to go and rot in a 6 foot deep hole for even thinking that it's okay to like you. There is--and I cannot stress this enough--no in between.

It definitely sucks to think that after graduation I will most likely never see you again. You'll be there, doing whatever you want with your newfound girlfriend and newfound dog that didn't die from peanut butter and I'll be here doing whatever I want with my piles of homework and compilation videos of Shane Dawson and Garret arguing. I don't want that. I don't want our batch to separate and go our own ways. I want to keep holding hands with all our 45 classmates as we, I don't know, rewind time? Maybe repeat grade 10 altogether?

I won't be used to meeting new people. I know that even if my new friends will fill up whatever void of emptiness I feel at the moment--it'll never truly compare to the overwhelming amount of love and care I got from my junior highschool batch. And you, the fucktard who has decided that he'll go abroad and over to the U.K., personally, frick you. Frick you for leaving the country. Frick you for going to the U.K. where there will definitely be hot girls around everywhere. I just know that in 3 years time, your profile picture will be of you and some blonde woman who looks uninterested. But she's your girlfriend and the whole profile picture is your weird idea of something you find "funny". I hate you. I hate you so, so, so much.

But I'm not writing down letters to talk about the future. Or at least not for now. I'm here to talk about why you were so damn cute today. I know that I say I hate you and that I'd rather die than have feelings for you, but 57% of my body tells me to appreciate every single part of you. Coincidentally, that 57% was what made me start writing.

First of all, your sarcasm. Why the hell do you have to take it out on us whenever you could answer something seriously and make it less time consuming? I know that you're just a prick like that, but whenever you say the word "No" at a rate of 1 syllable per minute, I have the biggest urge to kick you off the school bus. I know I'm dumb, okay?! I don't need any of your fancy vocabulary to know that I'm an idiot. God, I wonder why I even fell for you someti- no. Not even sometimes, all the time.

Secondly, today I bought 30 pieces of candy to give to the children as prizes. My dumbass forgot them and you, with your tendency to make me suffer, decided to tell the class that they could have everything.

I don't even know if you're doing this on purpose or not, but I'm slowly getting super pissed off.

Yet you're cunning. Walking beside me casually as you tell me not to worry because you'll buy me more candies. And this is when I panic because I'm not used to being beside you. I'm not used to being in a singular conversation with you and only you and all your attention on me. "No," is what my lovestruck ass replied. The worst thing is, I didn't even say "No need because it's you" or "No, I've got it covered". I just said in my deepest voice, "I don't want any candies if it's from you." and you replied back in an even deeper voice, "Okay."

Fuck. Another thing I hate about being into someone--whatever they do, your hopes always manage to get out of your reach and continue to climb higher. Anything they do is put through the dumb love filter and it's immediately charming. Any interaction with you is enough to leave me happy for a day, and I really shouldn't be like this as a 16 year old girl. I shouldn't base my happiness off of you, an Asian stickman that acts like a lost rice farmer.

Another thing is the amount of eye contact we make. I don't know if it has to do with the crush (duh, it obviously does) but I always find myself searching and scanning for you in any classroom. Maybe I'm just expectant, but most of the time you always meet my eye contact. Sometimes we just stare at each other awkwardly until Camille makes a joke and we both laugh and look away. What the hell? I don't even know if these are mixed signals or my brain just trying to get me to fall in love but I really don't like where this is going. Making eye contact with you is literally all it takes to make me smile and that is... very, very disgusting. Why am I acting like some 3rd grade girl whenever I talk about you and Wow! We made eye contact! Wow! He talked to me! Everything I say is just some nonsense that I'm too delusional or drunk on love to figure out.

We spoke a lot today, but at the end of the day I'll always snap out of whatever trance I put myself into by telling myself that no, you'll never like me back and that's it. That's how life is. And this is how my life is meant to be. Single, drowning in homework, and continuously hoping that one day I'll at least get to hold your hand and squeeze it tight.

📍📍📍

a/n

he has 2,008 memes in his gallery. im planning on writing letters everyday and finishing when my feelings finally fade away. usually, the longer the letter the more in love i am during the day. the shorter the letter, the more 'not in the mood to talk about him'. u get the gist.

either until my feelings fade away or until i finish reading all the memes in his gallery. im somewhere around 180+. ill be done soon.