I'm not going to lie I am angry. Still.
But I feel like I'm not allowed to. Which only makes me feel guilty too.
But it's not fair. Where's all the guilt he should be feeling? Apparently non existent, which isn't the person I used to know.
And before you start, yes I do know how bad it sounds, but he isn't the person I used to know. I'm not talking when he was ill but when we were younger, he was always so careful with my emotions too. I refuse to believe that was a symptom of anything- that was him being him. Yet now, that seems to of evaporated , and I can't say anything because I feel like he could take it the wrong way. That's NOT how best friends are supposed to think. But right now, honestly 'best friends' is a stretch.
And it is absolutely no ones fault. Our lives, which always have seemed to run parallel to each other- barely at arms length to tell the truth- suddenly have drifted apart. I don't have as much time now, I can't take days away playing golf- I've got to be home for lunch and bath time with Isla ( and don't get me wrong I love that)! He's got Anne-Marie and is establishing the start of his own family. Of course that's great and I'm so happy for him; but Ant and Dec aren't as 'Ant and Dec' as they used to be.
It was exhausting the 2019 audition tour. Not because I had a baby crying at 3 in the morning ( which to be fair didn't help) but I was forcing something. Everyone was so desperate to see our united front that we couldn't disappoint. Yet, since we had somewhat 'fizzled' , it took energy to make it appear this way. Something that used to be so easy became almost a chore, an act- and I would always wearily go back to the hotel room to Ali as a broken man, and regularly end up crying. Not because I am a wimp- because it means so much to me. It's no ones fault; but at the same time I can blame myself endlessly for Ant getting ill in the first place.
How could I not notice?
So, after a single day off before the last day of auditions in Manchester me and my family ( saying that word does make me smirk a little) have all come back to the hotel for a nap. We've been shopping all day with David, and Ant had been with Anne-Marie. Which was fine. But now I am here, very not asleep, staring at the plain white ceiling with Ali's head resting on my shoulder and Isla in her cot at the end of the bed. This moment should be so perfect, yet my brain is whirring and I cannot stop. Because honestly my family isn't complete without my Ant.
Sighing, I give up with the prospect of this nap and resign myself to removing all my frustrations in the gym. Manouvering delicately, so as to free myself from Ali , I finally stand up and get changed. Swiping the hotel key card from the shelf and pocketing my phone, I sneak out the room- very careful not to wake my two girls- still makes me smile!
I had not realised how much I wanted to avoid Ant , until I bumped into him coming out the lift and felt my heart sink further than I thought possible.
" Heya Dec, yall right?" Plastering a fake smile on my face, I replied.
"Yeh just heading to the gym... how was the day off?" I knew I wasn't going to get off easily , and had to make the normal small talk- something me and Ant never used to have to do.
" Aye was lovely, just some shopping like... actually-" I didn't know where Ant was going with this and I didn't like it. " I bought some stuff for Isla, come to my room fora a sec, promise I won't keep ya from the gym too long."
What was I supposed to do? My emotions knew that right now this was the absolute worst thing I wanted to do. But I couldn't say no could I?
"Soooo... it's in here I think, nothing big but ya know I can't help it when something is so adorable!" Ant spoke so normally as he hunched over a selfrdiges bag.
" You really shouldn't have Ant we have loads of stuff-"
" Oh come on let me spoil her- I know I haven't been visiting as much.." Ant let his voice trail off, but looked around, hand still in the bag, but eye contact locked on me. I all of a sudden felt extremely uncomfortable and squirmed from my seat on the bed- an excuse for breaking eye contact. Receiving no response, I heard Ant sigh, and went back to rummaging through the bag- while I pretended to be super interested in the less than average view out the window.
" Ah here we are!" Ant spoke triumphantly and turned round, hiding his hands behind his back as he did so.
I looked back at him, his eyes still apparently boreing holes in my skull, as he advanced towards me. "Right hands out, eyes closed."
Not having he strength to argue, I did as he said. Expecting a little princess outfit of some description, I was surprised that what a felt was a smaller box be placed in my hand.
" Okay and open" Ant spoke softly from next to me, but I could hear the excitement in his voice. What I saw was a beautifully wrapped box from a very esteemed jewellers back in London. It was tied with a thin little black ribbon, which i carefully untied.
"Ant this is too much... she's too young for jewellery and -"
" Just this once stop being responsible and just open it!" Ant sounded exasperated and I realised I had no right to argue- it was a gift after all. So I just looked back down and opened the box. Inside was a pristine silver band ring, which definitely would not fit Isla's fingers. I hesitantly lifted it out, not knowing what to say or do. Then I noticed a glint from the inside, and on closer inspection I realised it was engraved.
It read " Declan, I'm proud of you my son" - Alphonsus Donnelly"
And I'm crying.
" Dont speak just listen to me. Dec..." Ant sighed before continuing. " ... I've been a rubbish friend. I know. I think the thing that has got lost in the past year is you... I've never said this because ... well I'm ashamed. But I am so guilty. I feel so guilty for doing what I did to you - don't argue" I had tried to open my mouth in contradiction, but that attempt was quickly halted. " I left you completely in the lurch I know, and I have had multiple people inform me just how difficult you found BGT and Saturday night takeaway. I mean for SNT you had literally a week to completely reform a show that was 6 months in the planning. And I am so sorry. I always have been but I never said. It hurts to know how much I hurt you, a-and saying it all makes it real. With Isla and everything this was the most important year of your life- and I wasn't there for you. I don't think I will ever be able to express how let down I am at myself for that."
Ant shifted a little so know we were staring deep into each other's eyes, both of which were glistening with tears.
" Dec I know you, sometimes I think more than you know yourself. And I know we haven't been normal recently, and I'm sorry for not intervening earlier. After the NTA's I thought maybe I had put in behind us; but I know you needed the apology.... so I got you this. I thought you needed it. Your father said this to you before he died, and I know you brushed it off then, as you do whenever anyone says it. But after last year never has it been more fitting for anyone. We are all so proud and thankful and lucky to have you. Never ever forget that.... So I know this isn't a proposal-" I snorted a little at that, in between the sniffs holding back the tears. " But please accept my apology, I want to be Ant and Dec again."
And then we sat in silence, I was fiddling with the ring in between my index and middle finger; while Ant sat just looking at me. A lone tear rolled down my cheek before I summoned the strength again.
" It hurt me .... so much.... knowing you weren't even watching. Knowing while I was abandoned doing the BGT lives you weren't even supporting me. " My voice was merely more than a whisper but I knew he heard. I couldn't keep this in anymore, I couldn't just nod and accept what he said.
" I know Decky, I regret it so much.... but at that moment I couldn't even think about work. At that point I HAD to be so selfish... but now I am here hoping you will accept my apology. I want you to know that never again will it happen. That is my promise to you. " Ant pointed at the ring again and after another moment, the cogs whirring in my brain, I finally slid input onto my index finger and smiled at Ant.
"Never again?"
"Never ever ever" Ant replied strongly as he pulled me into his arms tightly, hearing from the beak in his very powerful reply , he was on the verge of crying too.
This time it was real.
Ant and Dec.
Wow I actually posted again! To any of you still reading thanks cos ik I'm crap.
Tx
