The Nights of Stargazing

First Step to Maturity

August-December 2011:

It was a typical evening in August 2011, and I got my 'A' level results couple of months ago. I managed to score good grades, yet they weren't brilliant by any means. I was content and was looking forward to taking a gap to stop, re-collect myself before starting the University. I was talking to my girlfriend of 2 months, and unlike usual, we were not fighting. The change felt good for once. Since it was my first relationship, I still had to learn lot of things regarding the same. Dealing with situations, patience, determination, efforts, etc. But commitment was not one of them. I loved her, and I knew it. That's why I was there for her for almost an year, and even after fights in spite of being in a relationship for just 2 months, I was determined to be with her. After every little arguments or dis-agreement, I tried to calm myself down, and think about the situation. I wanted to understand her point of view. But in the process, I learnt something else. Even though there were times when I was at fault, and her reaction was justified. There were also times when I wasn't at fault, yet the blame was on me because I was the "guy" in the relationship. I asked her for forgiveness for my faults, but how can I feel valued if I seek forgiveness for something I never did. This is the reason, I started getting second thought about our relationship. Thus, I did what normal people would've done. I confronted. 

Bad choice.

I realized,  like before, the blame was put on me for the fights. I was said to be someone who was not understanding and too naive. I realized over next few days, we were not talking as much as we did and it was not bothering her much. I had her Orkut's password and she had mine. Thus, I did something stupid. I checked her Orkut account.

Worst choice.

She was talking to another friend of hers. "Ok dude, she's just talking. What's the big deal in that?" Yes, my mind was right, she was just talking. Even though she told him about our fights and put the entire blame on me, she wasn't cheating on me. So its okay. I didn't mind. Next day, I found her talking to him again. This time she made a comment, that shook me. 

"Ya dude, I know right? He doesn't even look good. I don't know why I said yes to him"

Needless to say, we broke up that day. I didn't tell her that I read her messages. I pretended that I forgot/misplaced the password anyway. She believed. But I couldn't believe what I had read that day. I still remember that afternoon when I saw that text. Chills through my spine, goosebumps. I didn't know whether to shout in anger, fight in agony, or just walk away quietly. I chose the last one. We continued talking for couple of months because she still didn't know I understood she didn't love me anymore, however I did. I was attached to her, that's why even in her mistreatment, I found a reason to stay with her and that was fine for me. I made my heart to suffer for the peace of my brain. 

22nd December 2011 was the day when the water level crossed the neck and she called it the day. She was tired of our fights. SHE WAS. Tired of my 'stupidity'. Guess I was stupid enough to suffer instead of knowing how she felt? She was my first girlfriend, someone I truly dearly cared for. And she made me realize that if I truly, deeply, madly like someone, I will go every extra mile to be with them, even if it includes compromising with my needs and fighting a battle between my heart and mind. She taught me enough lessons in life, but most importantly, made me a mature person who loves selflessly, and doesn't react impulsively.

"Thank you, my first. You helped me grow, but left my empty, at that moment. Even though you re-entered my life 3 years later, I want you to know that I don't hate you. You did what you had to. I did what I wanted to. I chose to stick by you, as a lover and later as a friend, even though you gave me worst few months of my life."