Yesterday

Today (Nov-Feb)

I'm curled up in bed, as per usual.
A cold and emptying chill rolls down from the sides of my neck and and down my back to my waist like a bad touch (for lack of a better term). I tear up and shut my eyes, hands pressing firmly against my ears to silence the outside world and further attempt to isolate myself. I want to drift off to a dreamworld where i have nothing to do with this place, nor even my bed where i retreat to will be there as i feel safe and truely loved.

I Want To Die
Sorry. It's true. As long as i stay here with no hope of escape there will be endless attempts on my life. The calendar in my mind doesn't go far enough for me to see even my own 18th birthday in this place. Just death dates and bleak fog as far as my minds eye can see. The hall of memories crumbling behind me as the only stable ground there possibly could be is the one I'm on right this moment. I walk blindly on; Not knowing if I'm walking forward at all, or to a wall, or to a hole. My mind, yet blinded and deafened, makes a new world for me to explore.

Imagination
The sweet sweet peace i wish for is here! I made it! Songbirds leading me like a honey badger to the beehive where i can feast, sweet lemonade pour out of sugarry mountains. Animals made of baclava and soft caramels roam. The grass made out of green twizzlers which aren't my favorite but theyre only walked on anyway. I find a gingerbread village nearby and, out of respect, resist from eating the houses and the ginger people's pets. They welcome me and i spend a few nights at the mayors house. I'm told of treasures hidden in a mountain surrounded by a jungle filled with gummy snakes filled with sour goo, and stale animal crackers. I become eager and excited to go, and am given a pack of tools to scale the mountain, and a hard candy machete.

I'm not gonna continue that right now, its been a few weeks and im stumped

A Lost Cause
I've lost hope.. truely.. all i can do now is look for others.. all the trust.. and the final outcome we've worked so fucking hard for... and now.. it was all for nothing.. a waste of time... I tried so hard.. am i truely condemned to this?! Why?! I can't take it.. I can't.. I want to die. Again.
Though i can only turn to another temporary release.. the pain is a price for the sweet, sweet blood...

The Blood Is Sweet
Its what i would imagine a queen bee to have flowing through her veins.. coppery, but.. i did eat coins as a baby actually hahaha so its a subliminally familiar taste.. I'm used to it.. it calms me.. and.. its so sweet.. so fucking sweet.. why don't i do this more often?! I love it.

A Note To Self
Hey, slut, why would you trust someone like that?! For the fourth fucking time?? Don't "hope", don't "trust". You need something done. Why are you so dependant on those guys?! You fucking SLUT. Now theres no hope of escape, now what?? Now fucking what?!! KILL YOURSELF. THERES NO USE IN TRYING ANYMORE. KILL YOURSELF.  YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS WITH HOW HARD YOU TRIED TO BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL, A WEAK LITTLE GIRL WHO NEEDS HELP. KILL YOURSELF. I hate you so much..

Oh, Wow
I wish I weren't here.. truely.. the last time i was writing in this (which was only a bit over a week ago now) I was so close to finally doing it.. I lost my razor.. needles don't hurt enough.. What, am I supposed to scratch myself now?! This is torture.. in no way should i be deserving this.. I haven't been to a doctor in years and even if so I can't speak without being silenced or freezing up on my own. My anxiety has only worsened. My mental state?.. I'm just unsure of.. I know not to self diagnose.. but it's not like I'm just fine till a doctor tells me I'm actually not.

How Long Has It Been?
It's.. surreal. How long has it been since I've seriously eaten.. since I've not had to force a laugh.. since I'd been held... Oh how I need a hug.. the simplest request but the most out of reach. Isolation is difficult.. i haven't heard any voice other than the same 3 for months.. I've been here for so long.. how long has it really been...