past mistakes

Chapter Two

"I know exactly why your mom doesn't want to be around you!"

"Alex you don't mean that"

I said while tears were rushing down my face. Here we were again, fighting about god knows what. She was screaming at me and trying to shut me out and as always I fought against it because I didn't want her to shut me out. With any other person I would've just left but with her it was different. I was in love with her and she was in love with me.

 "How many times do I have to tell you it's over! Your still a fucking child and I can't do this anymore."

" We've been together for nearly a year and you're just now figuring that out?" I shot back. She sighed

"Sara you know this isn't working so please, please just get out and leave me alone. I can't do this anymore and I'm being serious. I want you to leave."

 "Fuck you. You know what fine I'm going but all I've ever done is love you and you pull this crap. I can't exactly change my age but I guess nobody's good enough for you huh. If I walk out of this door we are done. For real this time. So don't even think about calling or texting me. If I walk out, you are dead to me, do you understand?"   

I started walking to the door, turned around one last time and looked at her. "This one's on you Alex"

Yes maybe I'm still young, and yes maybe I sometimes do stupid stuff but we were in love so why was she making this so difficult.

"Sara! Sara!"

 I felt somebody shaking me and opened my eyes. My teacher was staring at me and she wasn't looking too happy.

 "Is my class really that boring?" Miss Bridge asked.

 "Ehm no of course not I just... I just eeehm..."

 " Well not the best explanation I've ever gotten from you  but I guess I'll let that one slide just stay awake from now on."

she started walking away and my best friend Emily leaned over and said

 " Girl you gotta stop falling asleep or daydreaming or wherever you're mind goes during class. That's like the fifth time this week and it's only Tuesday."

Fuck. I can't stop myself I just really have problems falling asleep and daydreaming seems to be my new way of entertaining myself, even though what I just dreamt of would have to be the worst day of my life. It was the first time I've ever felt love for someone that wasn't myself and I know how that sounds but don't judge because after that all I've ever felt for myself was hatred and disgust. I kept my promise  and completely erased her from my life but of course not my head because that didn't work as planed. I deleted her number all our photos and texts everything. I even blocked her on all my social media accounts because she tried to get in contact with me.. That was about three years ago. Back then I was fifteen years old still unsure of what to do with my life and most importantly I was still at the boarding school my mom sent me to when I turned thirteen. But now I'm eighteen back at home cause I got kicked out shortly after my breakup with Alex because I started getting into a lot of trouble and they were fed up with dealing with me. So here I was three years later still absolutely depressed and broken but nobody knew that. Nobody had any idea what happened or how my life was before I started attending the school I was in right now and that was great. to everybody around me I was this happy kid who sometimes slept during class was always kind of play fighting with teachers and who could be really mean to you. I liked it like that. nobody messed with me nobody even thought about asking about my past or even my life. Except this one girl on the first day of school. Emily. We became fast friends cause she was the only one who didn't take my bullshit. She was like " girl you can be mean and sassy to everybody else but if you give me that kinda attitude I'm going to punch you." That's what made me like her. She wasn't like everybody else. she was more like me, more private but still outgoing if you know what I mean.

You're probably wondering why my age was such a big deal back then. Well when me and Alex were together I was only 15 years old while Alex was already in grade 12 meaning she was 19 because she had to take it twice. yup. I never had a problem with that because I was mature for my age and at first it also wasn't a problem for Alex but when I asked her about meeting her friends she said she couldn't tell them that she was dating a 15 year old. Yes that hurt a lot but I could understand where she was coming from I mean I didn't tell anyone we were dating either. But being told the person you love the most is ashamed of dating you, that sucks. a lot.  Since then I haven't dated anybody because I don't do the whole relationship thing anymore because I cant handle being hurt like that anymore. I mean I've hooked up with a lot of people in these three years but it never got further than sex. That's how I liked it. Hookups are easy. No problems.

I started listening to my teacher again because my whole class looked so interested so I thought that maybe for once it wasn't about some boring old book. Don't get me wrong I love literature but you can overdo everything.

"So next lesson my niece who is studying to become a English and German teacher is going to join us because she's visiting me while she's on holiday. She will be leading the lesson and Ill just  'watch from the back of the classroom. I hope you're all okay with it and see you tomorrow"

Thank god. Finally a little bit of change in this circle of boringness. I mean I like my teacher she's really nice and we sometimes talk about my mental condition but her lessons are fucking boriiing.

I pack my stuff and walk out of the classroom. I get in my car and drive home. I'm so exhausted so I just get in my bed and not to long after that I'm passed out.