White Night

Chapter 56

The tiny relief Connors felt at finally reaching her apartment door was quickly quashed by the sight of the man standing there in the hallway.

Jay.

"You changed the lock," he started angrily before looking at her with concern. "Jen? What happened to you?"

He reached for her, but she brushed his hand away.

"Rough night," she said flatly.

"What happened?"

"It doesn't matter."

"You can't keep on like this, Jen."

"I know."

Her response obviously surprised him and his sky-blue eyes sparkled, but she wanted to stamp out the joy in his face at the demise of her career.

"You mean...?"

"Yes, Jay. I'm going to resign."

He pulled her into him before she could move away. For a second, she remembered how they'd been together. His skin next to her own, the warmth, the passion of his hips against hers. She missed him, his hand running down her back, guiding her onto him, the closeness of him inside her as she kissed his lips, but weeks later those same lips spat poison at her. His love had a price and it was far from cheap. She had to fit his image of her, be what he needed instead of who she was.

"Oh, Jen." He pulled her closer but she twisted away from him.

"Jay, it's still over."

"What?" The words stung him and she kept her eyes on his hands. "But you said you're quitting?"

"I am, but we're still over, Jay."

"Why? If you're not a cop, things can be great again." He smiled and tried to take her hand, but she stepped back.

"You couldn't love me as a cop, me as I am, and I can't love you knowing that."

Another stand-off. He could explode or cry. With barely three feet between them, proxemics weren't in her favor, but she didn't care. It ended here.

He moved toward her, two feet now as his hand reached for her face. A touch or a slug? Not that he'd hit her before, but it was always a possibility. His hand dropped and he said nothing as he walked past her, shaking his head slowly. His eyes held a lifeless stare as tears rolled down his face and he walked down the hallway.

She hated hurting him, but she wasn't capable of pretending to love him.

A door flew open behind her, startling her. Anna appeared.

"You okay?"

"Damn it, Anna. Do you ever bloody sleep?"

"Nice way to talk to a priest. Wine?"

"No, thanks." Opening the door to her own apartment, Connors rushed inside, not waiting for Anna to pull her into her place. She had a resignation letter to write to the captain and several glasses of scotch to drown herself in.

Throwing her keys down on the counter, she kicked off her shoes.

Merlin was already on the couch, licking his lips contentedly. He would start his evening routine soon and she would begin her own: a single malt, a bag of ice for her leg, then a bath to wash the ash and debris from her body. But nothing could wash away the sight of the fallen BDU technician.

As she poured the amber liquid into a glass, the lock on her door creaked. Her hand went to her gun as Anna walked in with a bottle of red and two glasses.

"Anna, what the...?"

"You gave me a key to feed the cat. Remember?"

"The cat has clearly eaten," she said, as Merlin stared back at them with satisfaction. Merlin was an easy read.

"Good work, Detective. I brought wine to help you chill out, but I think your way is quicker..." Anna glanced at the four fingers of scotch in her glass.

"Want one?" she asked, retrieving a bag of ice from the freezer.

"No, thanks. You look like crap again."

"Thank you." Connors slumped onto the couch and Anna sat on the love seat, curling her long legs up underneath her.

"What did Jay want?"

"Same as before. For me to quit the job and go back to him."

"What did you say?"

"I told him I'm resigning, but we're still done."

"What? Why?"

"Because he couldn't live with me as a cop. I had to be what he wanted."

"I meant why are you resigning?"

"Anna, I'm tired." She rubbed her forehead and the ice finally began cooling the heat in her leg.

"So is most of the working population. That's no reason to quit."

"I meant I'm tired now. I don't want to talk about it."

"I know. So why are you resigning?" Anna continued.

"Because we almost lost three city blocks tonight, my leg feels like a linebacker's slammed into it, and earlier today I ended another cop's career."

"Ross?"

She shook her head as she sipped the scotch, letting the fiery warmth relax her from the inside out.

"Jen, you didn't lose three city blocks tonight, you're not walking much worse than you were the other day, and...okay, I have no idea why you ended someone's career."

She almost laughed at Anna's bluntness, until she remembered the look on Grinair's face as he talked to himself about those kids being his kids, his responsibility and knew he would be under constant threat in jail as an ex-cop.

"What does Ross think?" Anna asked.

"About what?"

Anna cocked her head. "About you quitting?"

"He doesn't know yet."

"What about the Argon case? I didn't think you'd leave that one hanging."

Neither did she, but she couldn't offer any more than the rest of NYPD and the FBI were already doing.

"Not my case." She shrugged.

"Jen, it was always Drey's case."

"I mean, I'm not assigned to it anymore."

"Are you interested in a friend's advice tonight?"

"Not really." She drank again.

"I suggest you sleep on it."

"Everything will look better in the morning?" She smiled sarcastically.

"No, everything will look worse, but clearer. Nearly a year to fight your way back and you resign after a week? If you tap out early, you'll always regret it. Don't rush this one, Jen."

Anna stood and took her glass to the counter. Tucking the nearly full wine bottle under her arm, she turned. "Can't leave this one here, this is the good stuff. Goodnight, Detective Connors." She raised a small smile and left.

Merlin continued his grooming as the scotch helped her drift into sleep. She jumped awake after nightmares of seared limbs, the screams of one burned BDU technician, and the silence of the other.

It was 3:00 a.m. and she was on the couch with a bag of lukewarm water on her knee and a pounding head.

She poured another scotch and wrote her resignation letter.

Anna was right. Today was going to be worse.