I stare at the window like always do.
"It's been a week."
I couldn't stop worrying. There are a lot of things going on lately and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm stuck, I don't feel so well. There's negativity in the air that keeps trying to get me. Same old, same old. This is not good.
It is so frustrating just to think about it. I know, I'm not supposed to overthink. But, sometimes I just can't help it. Not that I want to. It's my mind that is hard to control. Sometimes it's too loud, other times there's no sound at all. No wonder people left. They probably couldn't handle it.
When I was little, my dream was to be friends with as many people as I could. As I grow older, I found out that being friends wasn't easy. I mean seriously, how many times since I lost a friend? A lot. How many times I argue with a friend? Couldn't even count it. How many times people got tired of me? A plenty. What I'm trying to say: it is hard to maintain a friendship or relationship. Sometimes people didn't give as much as we do. On the contrary, sometimes we didn't give as much effort as they do.
It's hard actually, in my solitary. I tried to change; I tried to fix the bond I broke. Gladly, one by one, they started to forgive me. Though not all of it. I'm still trying even though I wanted to give up. Maybe I should let them be, maybe they hated me too much to forgive, or maybe I hurt them so badly that they didn't want to be friends anymore. It was never my intention. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I always felt like every time I try to reach out to speak, it felt like no one could hear me. Even though I didn't show it, my heart would probably cry. I stopped trying. I talk if it's only necessary.
"Speak well or don't speak at all"
I'm done. I had enough. I'm tired of being judged. All I have is my solitary. Walls of isolation I created for myself. But then again, perhaps deep down I wanted someone to come and save me? Or maybe what I wanted was just someone who is willing to run away with me? That would be nice. I'll keep dreaming for that day to come.
For now, let me be in this solitary, until the time is right.
