14 Day LGBT+ Challenge

Day 11: Post About How You Discovered Your Identity

Well... this chapter will be a really long and emotional chapter. (WARNING)

When I was in third grade, I met this older girl who lived in the same apartments as I did at the time with my mom and my siblings. We met as I was getting the mail in our neighborhood, as she was just bored and wanted to get outside. She asked me if I was the new group of people who lived next door. I was, and nodded. We talked for what felt like forever. We because really good friends. She invited me over to her room, since her parents are never home. We hung out a lot. We had sleepovers, watched Tv, and had fun together just being kids. A few years passed by until, we were both changing into our pajamas. When she took off her clothes... I couldn't stop looking... Maybe it was because she was older and her body had a HUGE growth spurt, or because I was actually attracted to her. We continued to hang out until she said she couldn't because her parents were fighting (physically). And Rose didn't want to be apart of that. My mom let her stay over for a few nights until things cooled down. Yet, things never did. When she was over,  I was really attracted to her. She was so pretty and beautiful. Whenever she would change, or wore reveling clothing, I couldn't help myself but to AT LEAST take a peek. ( I was so perverted back then LOL ) 

I always saw a man and a women be together on Tv. Never two girls, or two men. I was taught by society that anyone who was different than that, was a terrible person and should be mistreated. I even believe at one point that I should have been. 

In the summer of 2017, Rose committed suicide. Everything that happened to her and why she did it, is such a long topic. I'll just say that because of her death, I should be there. Not her. I blamed myself because a year before that, my family and I moved to a totally different area. I felt guilty that I left her alone. I felt that she must have been so alone, and just needed someone to talk to. After a year of counseling, therapy, and self harm, I realized that there was nothing I could do. That it was her choice. No matter how many times I wanted to go back in time and I save her, I knew that she did it for a reason. And that she wouldn't want to be back here. That she would want me to move on and respect her decision. Even today, I still partly blame myself. Not for her death, but for not spending enough time with her. I felt that I could've made her smile. That I could've made her happy for her last day. 

"How are you doing up there, Rose? Are you happy? You know, I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I just wish you could be here with me today. I would do anything to see you smile again. And to hear you laugh. But, I know that you're watching from afar. So Rose, I love you. "