Fix You

Lights Will Guide You Home

It was painful, but it was a distant pain, as if it were felt indirectly, through another source. There was a strange haze over the pain, like a blanket, separating the source from the receiver. Everything felt disconnected and disjointed, like a radio broadcast that kept cutting out. He wasn't on the right channel. A bright light kept flashing, bringing with it pain that was direct and felt acutely. None of the sensations were pleasant and Dick was hoping that soon he would drift off back into the void again. Wait.

Dick's eyes flew open, though snapped shut again as they were bombarded with bright, piercing light. Light. Light was bad. Waking up to light was very, very bad. Voices. Voices always accompanied the light. Soft, hissing voices, jubilant voices, sinister voices, voices that sang softly in the dark before the light came. Voices were bad. Voices meant pain and light meant voices so light was very, very bad. Dick willed himself to drift off again; he wouldn't –couldn't – be awake for the light and the voices and the pain. It was too much.

The dull, distant pain was becoming stronger now, like the blanket separating him from it was slowly being drawn away. Dick felt panic rise. No no no! When the pain hurt, the voice came. An eerie voice, gentle and soft, like a woman singing to a baby. But the words were terrifying and horrible and painful and Dick couldn't even bring himself to remember them. He fought so hard to keep them out, to block out the words and just drift in the void, somewhere between the pain and whatever was beyond. It was safe there; the light couldn't reach him, the pain couldn't reach him, and the voices couldn't reach him. He was safe.

Dick fought valiantly back towards safety. He was a coward, but it hurt. It scared him. He wasn't brave – he never was because he couldn't face the light and the pain and the voices. He'd tried once, because something in him told him that he wasn't a coward and that he had to face his fears and fight back, but the pain had been nearly unbearable and so he'd run. He'd run as fast as he could back to void like the coward he was. He wasn't brave and he never would be.

But this time, the void wasn't coming. He couldn't reach the safety of the darkness. The light was too strong, pulling him backwards and into the pain. It was growing sharper, certain areas flaring up like wildfire as Dick struggled against the light. He couldn't let it win. He couldn't face the pain, the voices. But his body was working against him, pulling him out into the terror and tying him fast to the anchor that was the light. Dick knew he wouldn't make it back to the void, not before the pain hit him like a train and carried him back there itself. But Dick couldn't do that. He wasn't brave and he couldn't even face the pain to get back to the void. He was a coward and he just wanted to escape.

Maybe if he held his breath. Maybe then the void would come rushing to meet him like it sometimes would when the light almost won. He knew in those cases there was always something that sent him back into the void – a small prick and then blissful nothingness. But it wasn't coming now. Dick felt himself losing grip on the small part of his safe haven he still held onto. Dick felt himself beginning to shake, fear overwhelming his very being. He gasped and then held it in, determined to let nothing in or out until the void took him.

"Breathe, Dick, breathe."

The light was speaking to him now, goading him into letting go and falling into the pain. It would be so easy, just to let go and let the pain take over. It would probably overwhelm him anyway and then the void would come back and claim him. But the pain would be unbearable. He'd cry, he just knew it. He could already feel tears forming as the corners of his eyelids. He wasn't brave. He couldn't face the pain, not even for a minute. And what if the voice was out there? He couldn't hear it again, not again. He was a coward; he couldn't face the light.

Slowly the edges of the light started flickering. It was working, the void was coming back.

"Dick, c'mon, stay with me buddy."