Loki and the psychiatrist (completed)

Third hour: I'm lost

We took a break for a while, just a couple of minutes for him to think and some time for me to make more notes. I had planned on giving only a few minuets but it's been longer now, he's just sat there, staring at his cuffs, I don't know if he's been thinking but he just seems oblivious to the world around him. I stop writing and look at him, he looks so lost, like someone needs to save him, pull him out of whatever he's in.

Looking at his face I can see his battle scars, some just scratches but there's deep cut marks on one of cheeks, and bruises all over. I hadn't noticed before but when he was walking toward me there was a limp in his step, I guess I hadn't noticed through my fear.

I kinda feel sorry for him now, I know he deserved everything he got yesterday, but I can't help it, he looks like a 5 year old that got lost in the mall, and for some reason I want to be the one who finds him. I can't explain why but I want to save him, it's not romantic or anything but I want to save him from darkness and deliver him home where he can start again, this session started with me fearing him, he did scare me I admit that but I don't feel that way anymore. He only told me little, and very insignificant information that I'm sure Thor and Odin already knew, but he still confided in me and now I wish to be the one to save him.

Only problem of course is can I? Can he be saved? Does he even want to be saved? I'm sure that Thor already has tried to save him, so what makes me think I can? I'm kidding myself right? Well at least I can try, "do you think you could change?" I could have phrased it better, better yet I could've not asked it at all, but I have.

Slowly he looks up at me, his eyes blood shot, "no" his answer so plain, he looked back down to the position he was in before I asked him.

"Why not" oh god *pun intended* was I pushing the boundaries? Stepping over the line? No, this is a session with any other patient right, there are no boundaries so long as I get answers. I made sure my tone is soft as to keep him calm.

Without looking up he replies "the damage of my past is what I have done, it cannot be undone" his voice wasn't soft now, it was still quite gristly, by that I knew he didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I'm the psychiatrist, not him.

"And if it could"

"It can't"

"I said 'if'"

"You humans live your lives around 'if' and 'what if' I will not subject myself to such behaviour" he spat, still not looking up at me.

I don't like to push people, but my job description allows me to if necessary, it wasn't really necessary but you know how it is "tell me anyway" still I keep my voice soft so he won't run back into his shell.

He took a deep breath and buried his head in his chained hands, leaning his elbows on his knees "no I wouldn't, there's no going back now... However 'if' one could turn back time, I may do things differently" he laughed to himself again "I'd still try to ruin my brothers big - day"

That's what I was looking for, remorse, some hint that he is sorry for what he's done, the fact that he says he'd still ruin his brothers coronation to be king, is more to do with childhood jealousy I think "and why did you ruin his day?"

"Because he is a hothead witless oaf" he spoke with a snarl, but he meant every word, none of it was meant out of spite.

"Did you always crave the throne of Asgard?"

He looked at me in that moment like I had offended him, his eyes stabbing mine "I. Never. Wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be his equal"

"Have you always felt this way with Thor? Like he's more important than you"

"As a child, as a man, all I remember is a shadow, living in the shade of his greatness" his voice is crying now, yet his eyes are not "I lived in the shadow of the golden son!" I look at him again and I want to cry, I see his pain, in every word, I see how he had lived all those years, feeling like he was the outcast. I don't know why but I'm fighting the urge to hug him, to let him cry into my shoulder. I said this wasn't romantic, and I'm sure it's not, but this little boy I see in front of me is turning into a man again, a hurt man, a scarred man. He looks at me again, he watches my expression "do not pity me! I do not need your pity! I am not weak!"

"I don't pity you"

"Hm, do you not?!" He looks directly at the corners of my eyes, with one finger I feel around my eye, they're wet, I hadn't noticed as he was speaking I had begun crying, I can't help it, I look at him and I want to take him home and fix him up, like an injured bird that's broken his wing, but I wouldn't set him free, I'd make him mine. I know it's wrong really I do, but I can't help it, I feel like he needs me, he doesn't need me though does he. What he needs is his family. People who really know him "stop looking at me that way!"

I avert my eyes back to my notepad "I'm sorry"

"If it is not pity then why do you look at me that way?!"

"I didn't mean to"

I feel his stare on me, eyeing me, puzzled and confused, do I tell him? Tell him what? Something I can't admit to myself? Which is... No! I can't feel this way, it's unprofessional! Oh who gives a crap they're gonna let me go after this anyway, throw me away like they did before. The more he stares at me the more I can't take it, I begin to blush as it softens "now who's looking at who"

"There's something wrong, your mind is not right, your face betrays you, it has since you walked in the room, now I see that you are confused" my face betrays me? I never used to be this way, so unprofessional, I used to have a brilliant poker face, but he's right, ever since I began talking with him things have changed, Loki is changing me in just three hours, and I can't stop it. I don't know how.

"I don't know what's right or not anymore, whether my head is messing with me or not" suddenly I've become the patient.

"What are you thinking?" His tone is soft, worried somehow. I look up at him, my eyes telling, tears pricking at them, I feel horrible right now, like what I'm thinking... What I'm feeling is wrong, the best part is that it is wrong, and I know it.