hiraeth - a taekook fanfiction

8

Jeongguk smiles. He hasn't slept this deeply for a long time.
He takes another few minutes to admire Taehyung before deciding to take a shower. He climbs out of bed naked before grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom, not at all taking into consideration the fact that anyone else might be home.
He ends up running into Jimin, who looks him up and down, not at all perturbed by his naked state. "We came home to hear you two nearly busting the bed straight through the wall. Didn't seem like Taetae was on the receiving end this time though...was it that good?"
Jeongguk feels his face turn a dark shade of scarlet as he coughs in embarrassment. "I- uh. Sorry."
Jimin smiles widely. "Don't be. I'm just glad that you're happy, Jeonggukkie and if I have to deal with you two breaking the sound barrier and scarring me forever just to make you happy, then I will."
Jeongguk makes a noise that's in between a snort and and a laugh at this. "Thanks, Jimin. Really. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"That's what friends are for."
The two say their goodnights and Jeongguk steps into the bathroom, throwing his clothes on top of the toilet lid before turning to the mirror. The smile he had instantly drops at the sight of his reflection. It's not as if there's something outwardly wrong with him. His hair is a mix of bedhead and sex and hickies litter his neck and chest. His skin is no longer as sunken and sallow and though the bags under his eyes from sleepless nights are still there, they aren't as prominent. All in all, Jeongguk looks better than he has in months.

But something just isn't right, and the longer he stares at himself, the more he feels like throwing up. He tries to shake the feeling off, tearing his gaze away from his reflection and moving towards the tub, turning the shower head on and stepping under the hot water. And yeah, maybe he should have known better. Maybe he should have known that his recovery was beginning to go too smooth and that his relationship with Taehyung and his friends were too good to be true.
He tries to ignore whatever he's feeling. It's an ugly twist in the pit of his stomach at first. So he focuses on lathering the loofa in body wash and gliding the floral scented soap against his flushed skin, but then the feeling evolves into a thought. A thought that tells Jeongguk that he's worthless in a voice much too similar to the one that whispers to him in his nightmares.
So he scrubs a little harder, but it's not enough. Because Jeongguk is dirty and by sleeping with Taehyung, he has tainted the man that he loves. The thought makes him choke back a sob as tears well up and spill over and he's sure that he's on the verge of another panic attack.
He tries to visualize Taehyung holding him and telling him that things will be okay as a source of comfort, but then his lover's smiling face morphs into that of his father and he's reminded of the way that he had peeled off his skin and the panic hits him so suddenly that he finds himself unable to breathe and nearly collapses.
Jeongguk's struck with the sudden paralyzing thought that underneath all those layers of skin, there might be a red monster inside of him too. He looks at his shaky hands but all he can see is claws and he nearly screams, but his body isn't quite listening to his brain, so he begins to scrub harder at his arm, because maybe then he can wash the dirtiness inside of him away.
He wants to wash his sins away. So he scrubs harder.
And harder.
And harder, till his flesh becomes sticky and raw and blood mixes in with the swirls of water at his feet and down the drain. The stinging pain is calming and the anxiety begins to recede. Jeongguk pulls the loofah back, noticing that it's covered in soapy red and he lets go of it as if it had burned him, flinching back with a whine as the water hits the raw skin of his arm.
He turns the shower off, nearly falling out of the tub as he roughly dries himself and throws his clothes on. Jeongguk knows that he should leave and go to Taehyung right now because that's where the bad won't reach him, but his eyes catch his reflection once again and this time there's a

monster.
He stumbles until his back hits the wall and he slides down till his bottom hits the tiled floor. Jeongguk stares at the raw patch of flesh on his arm and his mind blanks. He doesn't know how long he sits there, staring at the glossy pinkness of flesh. He stares until he's sure that something is there, crawling underneath his skin and he can see it. He's sure of it.
Jimin and Taehyung were wrong. The bugs are there.
And Jeongguk needs to get them out.
He begins to scratch frantically at his skin, the rise and fall of his chest erratic as he begins to panic once more because they're not coming out and there's something in Jeongguk's head that tells him that if he doesn't get them out now, he's going to die.
He crawls forward on his hands and knees, retching open the sink cabinet and then the drawers. Throwing various items onto the floor before the metallic gleam of hair shears catch his attention.
Jeongguk grabs them, throwing himself back against the wall, his head hitting the surface with a dull thud. Breathing heavily, he spreads the handles before gripping one part of the handle and blade with one hand and pressing the other end of the sharp metal against his arm. His hands shake so severely that he nearly drops them in the process.
Jeongguk can hear his heart thudding in his ears as he begins to press the blade against his skin. He needs to get them out before it's too late. The first cut is shallow. The blood beads but doesn't spill over and the sting fades into a dull ache within moments. The second cut is just as shallow, without much blood. He scowls at this.
He needs to get them out.
So, Jeongguk begins to slice recklessly at his skin in quick, sharp flicks of his wrist. As the cuts get deepers, the beads of blood begin to trickle down his arm. With one particular harsh slice, Jeongguk finds that underneath all the layers of skin there isn't another layer of red skin or horns, but it's white and that's when Jeongguk knows that he's cut deep. The blood doesn't well immediately. There's nothing but white at first, but then the maroon begins to seep out slowly and then all at once. The blood doesn't gush, but it flows steadily down to his hand to drip onto the white tiles from his finger tips.