Autumn Rain and Dead Leaves

Chapter 1

  Rain

Chapter 1: "Caged Bird"

Pain coursed through out his body covered in bruises, he gazed up at how many more flights of stairs he needed to walk up in order to finally free. The steps were too high and too far apart from each other making it difficult to walk up the many staircases and his worn-out shoes weren't helping his now aching and swollen heels due to the cemented steps.

Yet, he kept stubbornly walking up because he knew that once he'd stepped foot on the top of the top floor staircase, he would be standing behind the door that would lead him to the place where he could run away from his bitter memories.

Standing behind the door that would lead him to that said place he turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. He sighed as he felt the cold autumn air from outside brush against his face but had closed his eyes once the golden yellow sunlight had stung them. Yet, despite the cool air and the bright sun he felt safe and relaxed in this moment. He wished that moment could last forever with him feeling protected and calm.

Once his eyes were  fully adjusted to the brightness of the outdoors he slowly opened them and stepped onto the rooftop, closing the door behind him as he did so.  

He dragged his feet forward and once he was close enough he leaned on the railing, his hands gripped tightly on it. Then he scanned the scenery in front of him from top and below. He just needed something to distract himself from the memories and thoughts that caused him to come here.

However, today was one those days when the view from up top couldn't aid him in his attempts to ignore his traumas and demons that were consuming his mind. The voices of his demons were too loud to overlook and the pain and damage from those memories, - such memories that he wished he could forget.

In reality, the adolescent knew that he couldn't keep running away from his problems. He had to face his problems one day before they would all pile up inside him and break him even more. And now, all the problems he had so desperately tried to escape from had finally crushed him.

Realization daunted on the adolescent, there might never be a time where he would truly be happy, all the happiness he has ever felt was temporary and would quickly fade away when reality would bring him back to the life he despises.

His pupils darkened as he chuckled at the bitterness of it all. He was tired of all the pain and cruelty of life. He just wanted to silence all his demons forever. His grip on the railings tightened as he continued to stare the ground from below. He saw how far down it was from the rooftop. If he just jumped then- no, he shouldn't. No matter how much he hated the world he shouldn't jump.

Jumping meant that he gave up, that all the years he spent trying to get stronger and better wouldn't have mattered. Killing himself would prove to him that he was he weak and pathetic, to him it meant that.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing himself.. Trying to convince himself that maybe if he lived for a while longer perhaps, maybe life for him would get better and he would then be able to truly feel content with himself and the world. But as he opened his eyes and a cool breeze once again swiped across his face carrying a few autumn leaves, he began to feel doubt wash over him. That thought sounded wishful, almost hopeful. He couldn't and shouldn't hope for anything. Hope was useless to him.

He released his grip from the railings and turned around, walking towards the door that led back to the stairs. He swung the door open and began to sprint down the stairs.

When he had made it down the first flight of stairs the door had shut closed with a loud "thud." He needed to make it back there in time. He couldn't let his possibilities of being on the rooftop be taken away from him. They couldn't find out about what he's been doing as an alternative.

Occasionally grabbing the rails to give him a boost and jumping of the last couple steps he made it to the fifth floor much quicker than he expected. He allowed himself to take a pause and catch his breath. He was slightly surprised at how swiftly he had made it down compared to all the times before, but he quickly reminded himself that he needed to make it back to where he was supposed to be in the first place.

Though, he was still a little tired he pushed himself to run again. He pushed the door of the fifth floor open then he ran towards his apartment room that was twelve doors down. If his parents caught him going someplace else instead of waiting here, then he would get beaten once again. But only this time worse than the last. His body was already harmed enough, it already pained him to run up and down the stairs. He couldn't get more injured than he already was.

Once he reached the door of his apartment room he fell to his knees and panted for air. The boy didn't have much energy in him to begin with. His stomach was begging for food and his heavily bagged eyes were yelling at him to get more sleep, but it wasn't like he just gives them what they needed. Sleep was scant when his mind was restless and there was little to no food in the apartment room that was supposed to be like a home to him. He usually didn't notice his hunger anyway.

After moments had passed with him trying to catch his breath he moved towards the side of the door and sat down. He was so hungry, but he didn't have the urge to eat, it was always like this. When he was hungry, he didn't have an appetite and he would only bring himself to consume food only when he was truly starving, when he just wanted to end the pain of starvation.

So, the boy waited for the time when the door would open.

Though, he didn't want to the door to open, to go back the place filled with memories and experiences that had broken him.

He just wanted to be free from it all.

He wished that he could run away.

Fly away, to some place where he could be free, where he could forget about his life and not think anything or feel anything.

But that place would be death and he couldn't allow himself to just let himself be consumed by his thoughts. He couldn't just decide to run away either, he was just seventeen years old.

The boy sighed to himself in frustration and acceptance as he closed his eyes.

He was a caged bird.

And he knew that.