February 23, 2019
UNLUCKY CHARMS
It's a scene that takes shape in millions of households across the United States (and possibly Canada and Atlantis despite highly credible theories that neither place exists): A child is forced to make a painful and life changing decision. Now, you may think that your choice of breakfast cereal has no bearing on your life after 8:00 AM. I will admit, there is evidence to back this idea up. In Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror choose-your-adventure style movie, Bandersnatch, you are to choose between two breakfast cereals, and this is found to have no effect whatsoever on the following plot. However, this is not admissible evidence as Bandersnatch is fiction, you loaf. So that point is trash. Breakfast cereal does, and always will affect you in every way whatsoever. In this essay I will highlight the difference your morning breakfast cereal can make on your morning, and why you're probably wrong about which one you've been brainwashed to believe is ideal.
I cannot sugarcoat this. Many breakfast cereals are trash. Most breakfast cereals found in the average American grocery store, are, at their best, garbage. It would not matter if you added milk before cereal (I'll get to that later) because garbage is garbage, and if you accept one of these garbage cereals, you probably don't have the self respect to add milk in the proper order. Additionally, there is no use in drinking milk when it comes to these select cereals: Your bones are as weak as your mind. You will not be doing anything cool.
It would be ignorant of me to tell you that your taste in cereal may be trash without telling you if and why it's trash. So let me say this: Cereals that taste like chalk dusted with expired powdered sugar from 1993 are trash. Cereals that have "marshmallows" that also taste and feel like chalk are trash.
Let's get into the semantics of "marshmallow". It's actually not even a situation of semantics. It's black and white. Here is the definition of "marshmallow". A soft, chewy confection made with sugar and gelatin. Now, let's not beat around the bush. I am discussing the curious case of Lucky Charms. These charms may not be so lucky. Confections made with sugar and gelatin? Yes, they can truthfully claim these attributes. However, soft and chewy would be a lie. The only way these are "soft and chewy" is if they've been soaking in that milk you shouldn't be drinking (because your weak bones won't strengthen, much like your weak will) for an hour. These things are not marshmallows, are they? They are dehydrated pieces of chalk. I would not hesitate to ask if they are stickers layered on top of each other hundreds of times to create a 3d effect. These amorphous blobs of food coloring abandoned in a bowl of confectioners sugar left in the back of a cabinet for 4-5 years are, again, NOT, marshmallows. They are mere distractions.
I will come right out and say it. The cereal is not okay. It tastes like expired Cheerios with a fine layer of Willy Wonka cocaine evenly distributed on each of them. Sweet, they are. Delicious, they are not. There's not much to be said about these forgettable puffs of nothing. They are the distraction to the rock hard "marshmallows", and the "marshmallows are a distraction to them.
You may read this and think "This is coming from the person who eats plain Cheerios by the handful with no milk". All I have to say to that is "she talmbout my shoe string in my hair? Whateva'." because Cheerios are amazing and your opinion is wrong. I don't need milk because my bones are strong af and no one's gonna check me on that.
In a recent poll on my Instagram story, it showed, at this moment in time, that 71% of my followers who participated in the poll were willing to lie and say that Lucky Charms are better than Fruity Pebbles. This came as an awful shock to me as many of these people, I considered friends and now I must revoke all those friendships immediately in the name of standards and morals.
Fruity Pebbles have been shown, time and time again to be the superior cereal out of the two. The deliciousness of Fruity Pebbles is evidenced REPEATEDLY by the persistence of Barney, the Flintstones character, when it comes to conning his trusted friend Fred out of the delicious pebbles time and time again, year after year in many Fruity Pebbles commercials. He is not this insistent about Lucky Charms, but I'm sure if Cheerios were an option, he would jump at the chance to beat Fred within an inch of his life in order to have this cerealic delicacy.
In conclusion, people who prefer Lucky Charms over Fruity Pebbles aren't stupid, they're just immoral, and wrong and have no standards and were brainwashed as children to have the wrong opinion about everything and probably support murder and want everyone on earth to suffer and die, even the little woodland animals and endangered species. If you see a twinkle in a person's eye or a happy family becoming financially stable, just know that the anti-love sociopaths that like Lucky Charms better want that all to be reversed and they want everyone to live in poverty and then die a slow and painful death. Peace out.
Sidenote: I haven't had Lucky Charms in over 10 years and they weren't that bad tbh.
