The Closeted Blogs

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

"Last night I had an emotional break-down regarding how I might as well never come out, never find love, and die alone.. or I might as well come out, lose love of all those I love and die abandoned."

This is something I wrote in a diary entry last year, I was just going through my stuff and found it. Right now, I'm just writing down random thoughts of mine at the moment.. because the chapter I promised isn't ready yet.

So.. Ally here. I'm 14, I love reading, I love the colour red, and I spell colour with a 'U', sue me.

I'm just having one of the moments where I'm constantly thinking and thinking and thinking... It goes from funny to ironic to strange to creepy to darker, fast. And, I felt the need to write this down in a chapter instead of making a diary entry like I usually do. Yes, I have a personal diary.

I also just read a bi-phobic statement in a random comment section of a Halsey's song video and I.. I can't even.

I didn't know this was a thing.

Like, I thought the lgbt+ community existed together happily but there are even gay people who are against bisexuals. Their excuse is that it's either straight people looking for attention or unsure gays.

I know this sounds stupid, but this made me think that what if my parents have a similar argument when I come out. That I'm just straight and looking for attention, unsure or pretending or something.. like, only I know what my family is capable of formulating.

So, my initial plan to come out was after graduation or whenever I can support myself financially.. but now it is when I'm in a relationship with another girl and it's getting serious.  I don't want to sit in front of them and say 'I'm into girls as well as boys,' I'm pretty sure they'll dismiss it with saying, 'You're still into boys so this does not need to come up'.

And sometimes I think..  even if I'm bisexual.. if 'The One' is a boy- why bother to come out at all?

Sometimes I think there's nothing wrong with that particular ideology.. but, I'll still be hiding that part of myself which wants to try eating pussy, or just kiss the girl I'm crushing on, or come out to someone as they come out to me.. or just be open about my attraction towards the same fucking gender

I once had this dream where I came out to my mom and she was cool about it.. it felt better than any wet dream I've ever had. Sometimes I want to be sitting in front of the mirror looking at myself, and just ask my reflection, 'You think I can't come out to this xyz person?.....WATCH ME.'

I'm pretty sure that conversation will actually go down in my head when I'm about to come out to my best friend ( which I'm desperate to do but I know it will be a disaster). I'm just not sure if anyone'll understand.

Of course, on the internet there're thousands and thousands of people and 3-4 people of those read what I write. And they (you included) convince me it's okay, that there're people who support me. 

And, I honestly can't thank you enough.

Comment your favourite ice-cream flavour to increase your chances of getting to eat it this week, adios.