How To: Piss Off Kings

Chapter 4

The minute he opened his eyes, he screamed.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! YOU'RE WEARING A FUCKING BOX!! " Startled by his outburst, a young woman, petite and curvy, screeched, backing up quickly.

"What are you talking about! I save a person, and the first thing they do is insult my homemade clothes! I spent so much copper just to get this purple dye!"

"AND NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GRAPE!!" Ciro, stared at the lady in horror. By all means, the woman herself was stunning. Larger-than-life boobs, a bouncy ass, and a waistline most people would die for. The only thing ruining it, thought Ciro, was the huge stretch of purple cloth that looked like a fluorescent trash bag. It was worse than medieval times back on Earth. In fact, the only way he could recognize her body figure was due to his eyes, which had gained experience through his life on earth.

Unlike the saying 'women are made out of water(1)', this lady seemed to be made of lava and fire. With a dark look on her face, she raised, her hand, preparing to give him a good slap worth the money she spent on her 'dress'. His face paling, Ciro quickly held his hands up in defense.

"Wait! I can help you fix your dress, and it wouldn't cost a single copper!" Like hell I would allow my beautiful face to be harmed!

Narrowing her eyes suspiciously, she looked him up and down. Admittedly, this man had much better dress than him. Although his clothes were plain in color, the fabric seemed expensive on closer look, and the style did make him look better then even her, a woman who was admired and pined after in her village. However, she had experienced many things in her young life, and knew of all the scammers in the world. An example was just now, when she found the purple dye that she had spend so much money on, was actually made from a common flower, found even on the side of the road. Depressed, she walked home, and found a beautiful man by the roadside. Eye-candy was always a good way to cheer someone up, so she decided to help him. Unexpectedly, his words were much more poisonous and sharp than he looked.

Scowling, she said,

"I'll let you alter it, but you'd better make it good. Otherwise, you'll see what will happen to you!" Of course, if he really wasted her hard earned money, he could repay her with his body. Looking at his thin waist, rivaling even hers, she couldn't help but take a harsh pinch.

Ciro yelped, and stared at the woman in fear. She was eating his tofu(2)! Who knew what kind of bad thoughts she had towards him, and his beauty! However, looking up and down, her body really gave him room to do whatever he wanted, as there weren't any bad parts he needed to be careful about. Deciding on a style he wanted to make, he asked her where a needle and thread were.

However, most people didn't carry a needle and thread with them wherever they went, so they had to travel back to their village to get it from her house. Ciro stopped by a clear pond, adjusting his hair and clothes to perfection. Winking at his handsome reflection, he continued after the woman, who he now knew was called Sydney.

In fact, although he looked confident, his hands were always shaking. Without the support of people he knew, and a safe environment, he was very nervous. However, his personality didn't let him act weak and look weak, so he tended to cover himself up with an arrogant mask, just like now.

In addition to being scared, he was also angry. Living in a developed world, and being born with a platinum spoon in his mouth, no stranger had ever dared to talk to him with such rude words, or attempt to hit him. However, the occasional glint of a blade hidden beneath Sydney's clothes made him apprehensive, and not willing to disobey her orders.

Finally arriving at the entrance or the village, Ciro strutted past the wooden gates. He bore the awestruck gazes of the guards with a noble arrogance, cold and aloof. Damn! Sydney thought, he's covering even my beauty now! Jealous, she pushed out her chest more. However her bright dress was so baggy that the effects couldn't be seen. Puffing in anger, she walked faster towards her house, located near the center of the village.

Arriving inside the house, Ciro looked around with a judging eye. Although the house was small, it was clean, and he could immediately see the needle and thread, sitting on top of a cabinet near the kitchen.

Sydney went upstairs, and Ciro stood awkwardly at the doorway. His face, still filled with overwhelming confidence, but also slightly confused and lost, would make anyone croon.

A couple minutes later, she came back down wearing plain baggy trousers and a crude shirt. In her arms was the abhorred dress, which she cautiously handed over to Ciro.

"If you ruin the dress..." Ciro shuddered, and quickly sat down in a place with lots of sunlight, checking the needle and thread.

Unfortunately, the needle was rather large, and was of bad quality, as was the thread, which seemed to be made animal furs.

The dress he planned had to be simple, due to the lack of resources, as well as a lack of information about their culture. If he accidentally made a dress only prostitutes would wear, he definitely wouldn't survive the next day.

He cinched the waist part of the dress, shortened it a bit, and made a place for buttons at the back. While he was doing this, he kept an eye on Sydney's facial expressions, so he knew whether what he was doing was acceptable or not.

A couple hours later, he looked at the finished dress, and grimaced. It was probably the worst thing he had ever made, and he threw it in disgust at Sydney, who stared at it adoringly.

She looked a Ciro with sparkling eyes, and swayed her hips as she walked towards him. Sydney wasn't an idiot. She knew that this young man's future would definitely be great, and if she could snag him now, she would definitely be a high class woman in the future.

Shuddering, Ciro tried to back away, but his arm was promptly caught and shoved against Sydney's huge breasts. He forcefully shook her away, and tried to run for the door, but was blocked by her. She once again approached, and purred, winking at him as she said,

"Oh my.... it's getting rather dark outside. Why don't you stay with me for the night? We can have a nice dinner, and you can avoid the scary outside, with all the wild animals". While saying this, she pulled her shirt up a bit, revealing a cold hunting knife. Shocked into submission, Ciro agreed to the time being, and sat through an extremely uncomfortable dinner, where he tried to avoid Sydney's feet, suggestively creeping up his legs.

Ciro hurriedly stood up, and excused himself to the guest room, firmly closing the door behind him, only to realize that the lock was gone. Face paling, he looked around desperately, and decided to push a dresser against the door. 

He nervously laid down in the bed, but didn't dare to take of his clothes. What kind of a creepy cougar did I just run into?! Damn, I have to escape, otherwise who knows what she'll do to me?! Ciro had just made up his mind when a knock came from the door.

"Hello? I seem to have some... trouble... putting on my shirt. Can you come help me?" Ciro winced. Bullshit! If you had trouble when I was gone, who did you go to then? Shameless woman, don't come near me! 

Prying open the window, the pushed it outwards with all his strength, causing it to creak loudly. In response to this, Sydney's voice got more urgent, and the door, blocked by the dresser, was starting to open.

"Darling, I just need a little bit of help. Not too much, ok?" Finally, he got the window open enough to jump from, and since the house only had one floor, he directly climbed out and made a break for the woods. From behind him, an angry Sydney was seen from the window, wearing nothing but her undergarments.

Faster, faster, faster... made it! Ciro breathed a sigh of relief, and stumbled, half running, half falling along in the darkness, all the way until the sun rose, and he collapsed by a huge gate.

Ugh, I hope Sydney won't find me...

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(1) - chinese proverb that basically means that women cry easily

(2) - Eating tofu - normally a term used for mild harassment, ex: if a mom pinches their child's butt and says she raised a good looking daughter/son, she was eating their tofu