My Thoughts

Current Thoughts of MY Past

The day my father left, my world collapsed, or it seemed as though it did. In truth, it was my mothers world that took a 180 turn to FuckYouville, the love of her life turned his back on her, leaving her to take care of two teenagers and a preteen on her own.

She didn't have a job at the time, and when she finally got one it didn't even pay minimum wage. I remember countess nights were she wouldn't get home until eleven or twelve o'clock at night, and twelve year old me was left in a house all alone for the simple reason that daddy didn't want her.  I think my mother thought it was her fault that my dad left, and at the time I know I thought it was my fault for some reason, but now looking back on things I understand that it was for my fathers own selfish judgments that lead him to believing that we were no longer good enough for him.

I often wonder what I would have turned out like if they had stayed together. Would I have been able to tell them about my sexuality? would I still be failing classes like back then? Would my sisters  have gotten to go to collage? those are some of the things that played through my mind last year as I thought of where everyone in my life ended up. But mostly, I questioned if they would have been able to find happiness with one another again.

I remember feeling alone mentally and physically after his leaving, almost always being in a state of constant anguish.  I felt my fathers leaving had torn my family to shreds, however, we had simply been to weak to stay together any longer. My sisters moved away, my father disappeared, and my mother became a workaholic, leaving me in a dark place where only my demons would talk to me. I could never find it in my self to leave my mother, even after she told me countless times that I could.  I kept my self trapped in an empty house, pining after a family whom I felt had long since  forgotten me.