I lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling.
I lay there in my bed as all these thoughts run through my head and as my stomach aches.
I'm so hungry.
But I can't eat.
When and if I do eat, I usually try to force myself to throw it up.
If I do bring myself to eat it's never much.
Sometimes I'll over eat and then other times I eat nothing at all.
As I lay there in the dark by myself my mind starts racing with scary thoughts.
Most of the thoughts I have aren't so called happy thoughts.
I start overthinking everything and then eventually i pass out.
....
I woke up and started to get ready as I usually do for school.
When I tried to eat this morning, just the thought of food made me throw up in my mouth.
I've stopped eating, not completely though.
I try to eat just enough to get by.
Then sometimes i eat too much and when i try to force myself to throw it up i can't.
When i eat i just feel, disgusting.
When I'm sitting at lunch watching people eat...i wish i could.
I know i could but then I'd hate myself.
I hate feeling disgusting, fat, or just gross in general.
....
While sitting in class my stomach keeps growling.
I know i need to eat something but I'm scared to.
I hate myself so much.
I wish i wasn't like this.
When the bell rings i get up and start heading to the cafeteria.
It's my lunch period and i have it with a couple of my "friends".
Almost everyday either Quin or Desiree says "Why don't you eat something" or "How come you're not eating" and I'll just make up an excuse.
I usually say I've already eaten or I'm just not hungry and then I hope they leave me alone.
....
After school I go straight home.
I drop my shit and lay in my bed.
I usually listen to music all evening and just mess around on my phone.
Lately I've started cutting again and i never thought you could miss the feeling of something so much.
My mother wasn't home right now.
So, I got in my sock drawer and got my blade.
I turned my music up kinda loud but not too loud so i could listen for my mother.
I sat back against my wall and stared at my arm.
I already have so many scars on both my arms and my leg.
It didn't matter though.
I took the blade and set it on my right arm.
I slowly started putting pressure on to the blade.
I started to slowly drag blade across my arm.
I felt that stinging pain.
Someone at school had found out about my cutting.
I remember now and so instead i start cutting on my leg at this point.
I do it quickly.
As i start cutting faster i watch the blood start coming out of the small cut in my leg.
I kept cutting but it wasn't making me feel any better.
So i said fuck it and started to cut on the top of my left arm.
I kept going.
After i filled my arm i told myself it wasn't enough.
So I started cutting more in the spaces between each cut.
As i cut i thought about everyone I'm letting down by cutting.
Tonight's the last night I'm cutting.
I promise.
But I don't promise its the last night cutting ever....only for a while.
It felt good.
Then again my guilty concious is screaming in fear of what may happen after tonight.
Now I'm going to try to sleep now that my arm and leg has stopped bleeding.
Goodnight world....
....
:p
