smile for me || scb.

4.

felix walks me home, and we decide to practice for the video.

we head to my basement so that we would have room, since we have jumps and flips and shit like that.

i queue up getting closer and we get into our positions for the start.

we finish without any mishaps or mistakes. major ones at least. my foot may have slipped a few times, but it was no big deal. i was wearing shoes with absolutely zero grip after all.

the two of us sprawl out on the couch that was located on the wall farthest from the stairs, breathing heavy.

"naeun?" i hear my mother call from the top of the stairs. "have you done your college application essays yet?"

i groan, lowly though, so she doesn't hear. "i'm working on it mom."

"right now?" she asks. 

"no mom, not right now. i was practicing with felix."

i hear her let out a deep breath. "how are you going to get anywhere with dancing? i told you to go into surgery, yet you constantly ignore me. you're beginning to disappoint me naeun. and you don't want to disappoint me."

"yes ma'am." i reply, my voice small.

once he is sure my mother is gone, felix turns to me. "why the hell didn't you tell me? all this time we've been doing this, you've been blatantly defying your mother?"

i nod. "it's just... dancing. you know how important it is to me. it's- i'm not me without it. my ability to do what i do is what makes me... me. it's what sets me apart. it's a part of me. but she doesn't understand. she doesn't deem it relevant to my life. she once said that i was sick in the head for wanting to dance instead of do surgery. she doesn't think i could ever be an idol. she thinks i'm wasting my life."

felix looked at me in disbelief. "has she ever seen you dance? like, really seen you?"

"she's seen me dance. and i try so hard when i dance for her. i dance like my life depends on it. because really, it does. if i were to become a surgeon like she wants, i would be miserable for the rest of my life."

felix nods slowly, and his eyes widen as a thought crosses his mind. "wait- she hasn't hit you, right?"

i bite my bottom lip and stay silent, because i know felix wouldn't like the answer.

"oh my god... when?" he asks, taking my hands in his.

"yesterday," i whisper, avoiding felix's eyes.

"why the hell have you never told me about this?" i can hear the pain in felix's voice, and it's enough to have tears trickle down my cheeks. "look, i'm not mad at you. i couldn't ever be mad at you. i just... i can't believe you didn't tell me. but if things ever get out of hand, or you just don't feel safe, my place is always available, and you can just show up, it doesn't matter. i don't care how long you stay, and neither will my parents. i just need you to be safe."

i nod and wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you, it's just that i didn't want you to worry. i don't want to burden you with my issues."

"naeun," felix frowns. "your issues are my issues. you're my best friend. literally nothing you say or do or whatever, would bother or burden me. i've been beside you your entire life, don't think i'd do you dirty like that."

i nod. "i know, jix. can we... practice again? i don't really wanna talk about it anymore."

"yeah, sure."

i queue up the song again, and lose myself in the dance.