Depression Kills

Sometimes I

Sometimes I look at the stars and wonder where you are and if you will love her like I thought you loved me.  Others I laugh at the thought of our little moments.  Then a rare few moments I cry....  I cry for her scared you might hurt her too. I cry for our lost love and would have been...  And I cry for me.  For being stupid and ever loving someone so incapable of love and still loving and missing you.  Then I try to sleep with the memory of what you did firmly planted in my brain. 

Sometimes I try to understand...  Others I try to forget.  Forget you... Forget her but most of all I try to forget us and the fact that I lost the only person that felt right.  I try to forget everything that felt right about us... About you.  I try to forget that I lost the love of my life.  That I will never get you back. 

Sometimes I feel abandoned...  Alone...  Forgotten.  I feel as if I am in a vast ocean of emptiness and I am depending on you to come and save me.  To tell me you love me.  I need you to help me swim through the dark emptiness that you left behind you. 

Sometimes on special occasions I laugh like a person  who lost everything and is rolling in the irony of it all.  Then I realize that I am the crazy person laughing at the ruins of what was.  I laugh and cry...  Laugh at the murderous thoughts that rage inside of me...  And cry knowing that they are illegal.

Sometimes I think of the idea of death and how everyone would be happier if I stopped swimming and let the emptiness consume me.  I think of how easy it would be to pick up the shards of glass that come from the mirror I smashed in the bathroom we once shared and run it across my body.  But that would be too easy...  Make it too real.

Sometimes I drink.  Drowning myself in alcohol and sorrow barely holding my head above the waves.  I drink a lot lately always getting you off my mind for a few seconds.

Sometimes I scream and shout.  Pulling my hair as I scream out in pain.  Throwing the items that contain your memory.  It hurts knowing you left me for her. 

I know now that I have to let you go.  Let go of the idea that you will come save me from the empty.  So I let you go...  Let you go from the life we once loved to live. Slowly I will forget you. 

Now I smile in realization that he is a million time better than you could ever be.  The way I felt about you is nothing.  The ways he makes me feel...  I can't explain it.  We touch and a burning passion explodes in me and I want more...  I need more.  He shows me everyday what love feels like. 

Now the thought of death is less tempting.  Alcohol is a thing of the past.  I try my hardest to be the best I can for him because he deserves it and so much more!