My Fucked Up Life

Chapter two: The bullshit begins

(TRIGGER WARNING!!! Mention of rape and Self harm in this chapter)

When I got older this changed.... I changed.... My parents changed.... My brother changed. I don't understand why things changed so drastically so fast... It still doesn't make sense to me. I know why I changed though and I'm glad I did because I was becoming myself. Even at a young age I lied about what I liked to fit in with the "popular crowd"... I remember at the time one direction was becoming big and I pretended to like them thinking that would make other people like me... Don't ask... I wasn't the brightest child. I remember lying constantly trying to make my life "more interesting" of course no one believed I met Zayn and Harry Styles From One Direction, but they only got more intense. Thankfully I learned my lesson at a young age and stopped lying about things like this.My parents started distancing themselves from me around this time... I remember feeling unloved and rejected... It was like they disappeared, where'd they go? It was like I was being treated like a freak show for becoming myself. Learning what I really truly liked, realizing I was a little bit of an emo kid at heart I remember changing my hair for the fist time to that "emo/scene" hair that was drove my parents over the edge in the start. I remember them screaming at me calling me a disgrace to God and saying I'm a freak. I remember that was the first night I thought about erasing myself from the world. My parents no longer loved me, I was a disgrace... A freak. I remember punching myself over and over and crying like mad because of the pain it brought me, I even remember lying to my art teacher about it saying I fell down at the park... She believed me, proves I was a good lier.
I remember one day my parents arguing after I got picked up from my aunt and uncles, I didn't understand why they were yelling but I remember it waking me up from my nap (yes I still took naps and I still do till this day give me a break I get tired easily) I was eavesdropping from the living room trying to listen in on what they were saying. All I could really make out was "I can't believe she told them that at their age that's not okay!! They are our children we should decide what they learn and what they don't and that's not something they should know yet!" I didn't understand what it meant, they never said anything bad as far as I knew. I remember them calming down eventually and coming towards where I was so I quickly ran back into my room and got into bed. Later they both came to get me and my brother to have a talk. I remember them saying we were not allowed to see our Aunt and Uncle anymore. Of course I questioned things because I didn't understand and I remember them quickly telling me to shut up and not to argue with adults. So I isolated again.. Staying in my room playing alone until that night things got dangerous...

(TRIGGER WARNING RAPE & SELF HARM MENTIONED NEXT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!)

I remember I was woken up by brother (at this time I was 11 he was 12) he brought me into his room to show me something so I followed being the curious person I am, I remember him showing me this book with sex scenes in it of course at this age I had no clue what sex was, so he explained it. I said I didn't think we should be going though this kind of stuff because it said 18+ on the book. He than pinned me down on his floor holding my mouth shut so I wouldn't scream and than he raped me. I hated the feeling I felt disgusted. I felt dirty, I felt hurt. He threatened to hurt me if I ever told anyone so I never did knowing he was stronger and smarter than me. He raped me until I was 15 years old whenever my parents were asleep or were gone. This was when I started cutting myself I remember feeling so disgusting that I wanted to cut all my skin off. I started on my thighs using a knife, than stabbing myself with thumbtacks, and getting worse overtime. Now at 19 I still struggle with self harm and my body is covered in scars. (See picture as reference of now)

(Here is a picture of me where you can see my scars and how bad they are on my arms)