Careful with the tea

Part 19

I had a dreamless night. I woke up recovered and hungry very early. I found an ancient washing bowl and some water in a jug, so I washed as much as I could. But when I left to get myself some breakfast, I simply got lost. In one staircase I still saw the lights of the great hall chandelier, in the next I was surrounded by twilight and all I could see was a line of doors, without any exit. I entered the small rooms one after the other, looking for the kitchen. I didn't realise that I somehow got back to the gallery, where Owl lodged us. I kept on opening up the rooms steadily.

Once I found myself in a room where somebody way still sleeping. Marcus...

I stopped at the door frozen. No lights could reach me from outside, only a dying candlelight was blinking in the room. The window was covered by heavy velvet curtains, so I could hardly see anything in the dark.

I was alone, as they were all sleeping, including Marcus. Regretfully the temptation was too strong, and I couldn't resist. I half-closed the door silently. I didn't dare shut it, because I was afraid the clicking of the clock would wake him up. The floor was covered with thick carpets, so I didn't have to worry about being heard. I sneaked close to his bad, as close as I could.

Then I kneeled down to see his face better.

I let the twilight melt me inside, as if I was a shadow too. I listened to the breathing of Marcus, and revived the memories.

It was my second year at the college. Some from our class found a new place, some left the school, but we had some fresh faces too. One of the just returned from Europe to finish his two last years. His curly hair and deep blue eyes called my attention. He was Marcus.

He was free as a bird. College was not a duty, but a big playground for him, where he could enjoy life in peace. He studied easily and well, never worried about bad grades at all. The opposite of me, as I always wanted to show my qualities constrainedly.

He was admired by the others, as he's seen the world, born in a rich family, shining with joy of life.

Compared to him my insignificance was even more remarkable. I sometimes followed him secretly, as he attracted me like candlelight draws the butterfly. I never had the courage to follow him back home, I was such a coward to do that, so I never knew where and how he lived. Only inside the hundred years old walls of the college, where I felt secure, only there I dared sneak after him or watched him during the breaks.

We were in the same class, so it was unavoidable not to have same chat then and now. Sometimes I felt the distance melting away between us. But on the very next day he cut me dead again, like anybody else.

And the months went on and on. The end of the third year came closer, and I felt like a runner, who has only a few yards to finish, but no air to breath and cannot run further. I knew I'd never see him again, but I didn't confess, not even for myself, what I really felt about it.

Once I almost did. A few weeks before the final exams I dreamt with him. He was standing in the school corridor as usual in every break, and I joined him with a smile. We started to play around catch-me-if-you-can among the students, running along each corridor, that have been illuminated by morning sunlight. Finally we got to a window bay. He leaned to the wall, looked deeply in my eyes, then I kissed him.

Only an hour later I was standing in the real world in front of him just the same, and I hardly could breath.

The dream seemed so real, that I was afraid, if I only looked at him, or stepped closer to him, I'd tell all my secrets, making myself ridiculous forever and a day. And he'd hate me for that.

On the day of the graduation I didn't tell lies any more. I put on a smile, so that my proud parents would think I was happy. While I was screaming and dying inside.

I was standing there in the crowd, where everybody was saying goodbyes loudly. I gave some kissed to the few whom I considered being my friends. My parents escorted me, and we were about to leave. Still, in the very last moment I was searching for him with my eyes, because I would've died if I couldn't see him one last time.

He was standing in front of me. He smiled and said only this:

„Bye."

„Be careful..." I waved, and we were gone.

We got into the car, and returned to my hometown. That night I was sure I'd die without meeting him again.

Now I was kneeling beside his bed, looking at his curly hair again. I imagined as I raise my hand and touch him. I played around thinking about the face he'd make if he opened his eyes and found me there.

I never knew what he thought about me during the college years. But after so many years I was almost completely sure he held me unimportant.

I felt the memories I called up get fainted and fly away, having no intention to return to my heart, where I treasured them before. I simply gave up, this time for ever. I'll have nothing common with him, as he's farther from me than the starts, even now, in this very moment, and he'll never notice me, just like now.

I conquered myself. I could be proud at least for this.

I looked at him for the last time, and left the room silently.