monster | jookyun ✓

5 | onism

the awareness of how little of the world you'll experience

[I.M Changkyun]

I laid on the couch, resting my head on Jooheon's legs. It really didn't mean anything, it was a habit since we were kids. Well I mean, it meant something to me but not to him. To me, it was an oppurtunity to just be closer to Jooheon. But for him it was just hanging out with his best friend. I lifted my head slightly to be able to look at Jooheon a bit better, my gaze was connected with his. I felt safe, everything was going to be okay in that moment. And when you're apart of a gang that's not a feeling you have a lot.

"How was your day yesterday? Sorry we couldn't really hang out." Jooheon's voice was smooth, just like every other time. And when he talked I actually felt like he cared.

"It's okay, Jooheon. You were with your girlfriend, you have to see her too. I was with Wonho anyway." I answered calmly, after all I actually wasn't jealous he was with Seoyeon. In reality, I was really happy I was able to get close to Wonho.

"Wonho? Since when were you two close?" Jooheon sounded like a parent after their kid got home an hour after curfew. Question after question, lurking for all sorts of answers.

"Since yesterday actually. We have a lot in common. He helped me practice my shooting skills, too." I smiled while replying, I was proud. I got to improve while making a new friend.

"I'm glad you got a chance to practice, but don't forget about me." I looked up at my friend, a pout appeared on his face and I smiled at him. I tapped him on the chin, making him laugh a little.

"I could never." I scrunched my nose a bit, smiling slightly. Jooheon responded by booping my nose.

If I'm being honest, I always thought Jooheon would grow up to like me back. But thinking about it now, I think he's just clingy. He's so lovable and he shares it with everyone. As kids he used to just randomly hug me until my face turned red from blushing so hard. And I know I can't really count the times he's kissed me on the cheek, because we were actual children. He's so opened with people he likes, and it always made me wonder if he's ever had slight feelings.

When he's with Seoyeon, something's different. I don't really know if it's because he truly loves her, or maybe just because he's respectful? But he never really shows her off, not as in she's an object that's all his. More so that he doesn't kiss her in public, in fact I've never seen them make any physical contact other than hugging. And maybe, just maybe, my mind is playing games but what if nothing's really going on. Or what if he's having second thoughts about their relationship.

I swear, I love the girl. She's gorgeous, if I was into girls I'd probably fall for her too. She was incredibly smart, and didn't hesistate to put any of the gang members in their place. She was around the gang so much, she really did feel like family. The gang didn't tease Jooheon about her since everyone loved her endlessly. And she was trust worthy, she's never snitched on anything the gang has every done. And she's even helped us a few times. But I wasn't her, and that got to me. I wanted to be in her place, I wanted to be Jooheon's, that would never leave my mind.

"What are you thinking about? You look really focused." I heard Jooheon's chuckle fill my ears. He placed his hand on my arm, moving his fingers around my tattoo.

"Uh, have you ever thought that we're stuck in this gang? We'll never get to experience anything else. We won't ever live a normal life that any other guy in his twenties would live." The words just flowed out of my mouth, but honestly it was something I thought about a lot.

"Wow, I haven't really thought of that. We literally grew up in this gang." Jooheon actually looked shocked. At least it got him thinking a bit.

"One day, can we go out in the opened and just live? Just me and you." I closed my eyes, envisioning the perfect day. Imagine just walking downtown without worry of being killed by rivals. We'd go to the little bookshop I had heard so much about, and get lunch. Better yet, we could try all the resturants we've never even heard of. Eating all the food we could imagine, something we couldn't even think of doing in the gang. We wouldn't have to worry about staying fit, or working out. We could finally just live.

"I promise I'll take you out in the opened one day, carefree." Jooheon sounded happy. He extended his pinky finger to mine, interlocking them. "Now we have to go, we can't break a pinky promsie."

[Lee Jooheon]

I never really realized how much Changkyun wanted to live a normal life. I knew he never really fit in the gang, but that was the beginning. I honestly thought his liked it now. Well, maybe he does. But I really do want to take him to experience a regular life. I have before, with Seoyeon. I already knew all the places I wanted to take him. He'd have so much fun.

Deep down, I knew Changkyun wasn't his happiest self. I wondered if maybe that's what him and Wonho had in common. I had noticed Changkyun's scars, he hid them under his tattoos. I never brought them up, I didn't really know how he'd react. With or without his scars, he was beautiful to me. All I knew is that Changkyun was perfect and I hated the fact he hurt himself.

He's not just my best friend, he means a lot. He helped me a lot, too. He's more than a friend, I just don't know how to describe what I feel. He's just so important. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I just couldn't. I was scared. But, I could be missing out on something I didn't even imagine was there.

I could be missing a whole new part of life, one I never encountered before. But fear kept stopping me.