monster | jookyun ✓

13 | rubatosis

the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

[I.M Changkyun]

I needed to train, I needed to be alone. I needed to figure everything out. I needed to sort out my emotions, my family life, this whole mission. I couldn't stop picturing the same three things. It started with Jooheon and I, looking into each others eyes after the kiss. Then it flashes to Wonho peacefully sleeping in bed. Finally it's Shownu watching Kihyun, his little brother, getting taken away. I could only imagine how Shownu felt. He grew up with Kihyun and suddenly he was gone. And suddenly I had two brothers.

The day I met Kihyun was already messy, and now I have another person in my life. Although I haven't talked to Kihyun much, he seems like a good person. Well Shownu hypes him up a lot, so I can only think about what he could've been like. I was nervous, but excited, to get to know him.

I made my way to the gym, ready to start running and trying to start lifting weights. I felt so weak for the past week or so, and I needed to rebuild the ego I hardly had. I was just about anything but confident and I was ready to change. I jogged down the various hallways to the gym, getting my heart rate up a bit. I thought of it as a warm up since I really didn't finish my last attempt at jogging. I gave the pocket on my sweatshirt a pat to make sure I had my earpieces, and turned left into the gym.

Luckily I was the first one there, so I could stay unembarrassed for a little while. I first went to the treadmill, so that I could work on my stamina while running. I didn't like thinking about what the mission would be like, but now I had to. I imagine I'd be running around a lot, whether it was to follow an enemy or help a member. I couldn't risk being out of breath.

I tried not to think of anyone being left behind, or even worse...dying. But sadly it was bound to happen, we were in a gang. I would be ripped apart if anyone's life was taken, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Everyone knew I couldn't handle it, but I was thrown into this mess. I had to be, I was twenty three now I couldn't stay in the estate for the rest of my life. Even Soyou didn't want me to go, and she runs the gang. Around here I was everyone's little brother, and they didn't want me to grow up. They didn't want to see me get tough and start blocking people out. Sure, not everyone was like that but it happens. Especially to members like me, and I was scared. I didn't want to change.

"I.M? Is that you?" I stopped the treadmill and turned around. It was Kihyun. He was wearing a white, short sleeved shirt that revealed a marking on his left wrist. He was also wearing shorts which helped to showcase the tattoo running up his calf. I looked up to his face, he had to same eyebrow piercing as me and it made me smile a little bit. I hardly knew the guy and we already had a lot on common.

"Hey Kihyun." I waved him over, and ended up meeting him halfway. I glanced as his wrist once more, deciding the marking had to be a tattoo, and looked back to his face. "I feel like we're mirroring each other with these piercings and tattoos."

This earned a laugh from Kihyun, but he looked at his wrist and his smile faded. He pointed at it, showing me the circle with the letters 'mx' inside it. "It's not a tattoo, I was branded by our parents. They wanted to make sure it was me, if I ever came back. But now they're not around and they never got to check."

"Do you know what the letters stand for?" I was curious, but I also felt like I was going to end up asking a lot of questions. I didn't want to scare my brother away already.

"I have no clue, I've wondered the same thing my whole life. All I know is it hurt like hell." He rubbed on his skin, chuckling a bit. "And before you ask, the clocks running up my calf represent my time away from my family. Every year I got another clock to remind myself I had to keep working to find you guys again. It's been nineteen years, and I finally came home."

I smiled at Kihyun, and wanted so badly to just pull him into a hug. I missed him and I didn't even know him when he was sent away. But he was always there, there was always a piece of him in me and I just discovered it.

I picked up my own arm, showing my 'monster' tattoo which covered my forearm. "I used to hurt myself. I wanted to cover up my scars, but I didn't want to forget what I did. I got it to remind myself I'd always be my own monster. It sounds crazy, but it helps me try to be better to myself."

I looked at Kihyun, waiting for a reaction. He stared at the ink and he even ran his fingers over each letter. He looked so invested in it, and I felt my heart speed up. He knew something and wouldn't tell me. He looked at his branding and retraced the 'm.'

"Monster, it means monster. But what would the 'x' be for. And why monster?" It couldn't be. There were hundreds, thousands, of words in which started with 'm.' Why would my parents brand him by calling him a monster? "I don't feel good, I'm going to head back to my room. I'll see you later, I.M."

"Kihyun, wait! That can't be what it means-" I watched my brother started to walk out of the gym, not even looking back at me. He didn't touch any of the equipment, but he looked so hurt. "And it's Changkyun..." He turned around, raising his eyebrows before running down the hall. I might as well leave, too. I could train tomorrow.

I gathered my things, and I found myself walking the opposite direction of Wonho's room. I was walking to my own, where Jooheon could easily be waiting. I almost was craving to see him, and my feet began walking faster. My heart beat so fast, it physically hurt. I only noticed my heart beating when it hurt the worst. But I needed to see him, he was still my Jooheon, my best friend.

"Jooheon?" I opened the door, and there he was. Lee Jooheon. His black hair was messy, and he looked upset. His eyes were red and glossy, and he gazed at his phone. It wasn't on though, he was just caught up in a black screen.

"I hurt you, Changkyun. And I hurt her, too. I lost you both, even though I only wanted to lose her." I slowly walked over to Jooheon, his words made no sense. But I didn't protest, not yet.

He wasn't pushing me away, and that made my heart stop hurting.