Song for chapter: idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish
We pulled up to an old corn field in the middle of nowhere and I cut the engine off, looking over at Tenley who hadn't raised her head the whole drive.
"Tenley, talk to me," I whispered, reaching over and covering her dainty hand with one of my much larger ones. She just shook her head and clutched the pill bottle tighter, causing her knuckles to go white from the pressure.
I picked up my hand and placed it on her chin, tilting her head to face me.
"Look at me, Tenley," I whispered, moving my hand to cup her face, using the pad of my thumb to rub it gently across her cheek.
She diverted her eyes to meet mine and I could instantly see all the pain that she had cooped up inside.
"Talk to me," I repeated my words from seconds before.
"It's not that easy," she whispered, her voice cracking as she leaned into my hand.
"Tenley, you've known me for the past 17 years of your life. You've always told me everything."
"No, I haven't," she picked her head up out of my hand and sat straight up, looking at me.
"It was never you, Grayson. I always told Ethan everything," her eyes glossed over as she mentioned it, as if reminiscing on all of the old memories.
Of course, it had always been Ethan. It never was me. She was right about that.
I nodded my head and pulled my lips into a straight line.
"Maybe so, Tenley. Maybe it always was Ethan. But who's here now?" She tilted her head at me and then nodded.
I lifted up the center console and motioned for her to scoot closer to me. It took her a minute, but she accepted my offer and moved herself into the middle seat. I laced my arm around her shoulders and pulled her against my side as she laid her head on my shoulder.
"Where did you find them?" She whispered.
"They were on my bed. I guess they fell out of your clutch when you came over yesterday," I rubbed my hand in circles on her shoulder as we talked, "Why do you have them, Tenley?" I asked her gently.
She scoffed and shook her head, "I'm depressed, obviously," the sarcasm couldn't be mistaken in her tone, "I'm a mess. I hate myself. I can't do anything right. I screw up everything."
She kept talking, listing everything that was wrong with her, but I cut her off.
"Tenley!" She turned her head to face me, lost for words, "Stop," I whispered.
"I'm just telling you the truth, Grayson. Isn't that what you wanted? The truth? You wanted to know what was wrong. You wanted to know why I have pills. You wanted to know what happened to me that made me like this," tears dropped from her eyes and slipped down her face, but I knew that whenever Tenley was like this, it wasn't because she was sad. Tenley cried when she was mad and overwhelmed. She'd finally snapped. She'd held all of this in for God knows how long, and she was finally letting it all out, "You have to learn, Grayson, that sometimes, you can't fix the problem! You can't fix the problem because the problem is me. I'm the problem!" She pointed her finger into her chest as she continued talking, her voice getting louder with every sentence, "You can't just ask me, 'Oh, what's wrong, Tenley?' because guess what, Grayson? I'm what's wrong. You can't be like, 'Who hurt you?' because I hurt me. I am the problem, Grayson! And you can't help that! You can't help me. I'm the only person who can help me, and that isn't going to happen. I don't know how to help myself, and I never will!" The tears fell faster as she grew more frustrated, "Do you think I want to be like this? Because I don't, Grayson! I hate myself for being like this! I hate myself for not being able to be the person everyone expects me to be! I don't want to be like this, Grayson. I really, really don't," she finally stopped, breathing heavy as the tears fell harder.
"Tenley..." I said softly as I reached over and placed my hand on her cheek, using my thumb to wipe the tears from under her eyes.
"Do you really want to know why I take those pills, Grayson? Why I'm so messed up? Why I fell apart a year ago?" She was still irritated as she spoke, not waiting for me to give her an answer.
"Dylan died the summer before Junior year. Happy now?" She raised her eyebrows at me and then let her head fall back against the seat, closing her eyes and just sitting there.
We sat in complete silence, neither of us knowing what to say.
