Once morning I woke up to a text reading Bianca Del Rio meet and greet on June 29th. I knew exactly what I was reading but I felt like messing around that I didn't know what it was about and I didn't understand. Realizing I stopped caring about most of everything and everyone, if it was my choice I rather stay in bed for the rest of my life feeling dead inside and not a glimpse of life being obvious. If I had it, I was faking it. So it didn't exist or rather I wouldn't be writing this either. I was petrified going and honestly I was messing with the mind of my mom who bought the tickets that I didn't understand when quite well I knew I was going. I know inside I can't take a joke for anything but I can still laugh at other people's dumb doings and stupidity makes me feel better because it's not me doing what they have guts to do. I wasn't jealous, I did though feel that anything makes money so I knew I could do anything I felt to make money in my future. Besides a food card. We'll leave it at that. Getting ready to go, I wore comfort clothes. Looking back at my outfit I regretted. I looked in my own eyes that the clothes I wore made me fatter than I was already. Worrying fat jokes were going to happen but that I was mentally ready for anything, I was already laughing at my own self esteem problems, it was fine. I sounded strong and yet I really wasn't. But I was doing it anyway.
From the time of leaving the house, driving downtown, parking and waiting in line for about an hour was to be expected. I normally don't have a problem with that. I get excited getting ready for a destination than being at the destination. Odd yes but it works out for me like that. Finding the good out of stuff I'm not fully expecting what's going to happen or how I want it to happen. Excitedly being in line, we were going inside now and checking in. Unaware if Bianca was out yet, I was looking around. The snack bar was closed, a merchandise table was setting up and B wasn't out yet. A grumpy employee snapped at me and put me in a bad mood. Mentally I had to shake it off pretending I wasn't bothered so being funny was my exit out of a bad mood. Then out of nowhere, I heard Bianca being mean 'her'self and laughing by sounding like a snake. Not really positive but the humor is funny when it's about laughing at your bullies and it's safe while still hating them at the same time. Being in line for ten minutes, it was our turn since another generation age was with me visiting Bianca in a meet and greet, we walked up and I barely remember if I was nice myself.
"Happy Birthday" I managed to get out feeling blind. I could barely see, it was hazy and my mind was in a godly stunned zone. I was going with the flow with a lot of fear and bold imitating mockery boldness, we hugged, I heard that she wanted money and I smiled because I knew I understood and he did too, got a book signed, she asked if I wanted pictures of each one and together, responding with yes, took photos and the generation had her turn to take pictures, plus a pose she wanted. I got kind of jealous but I didn't do a fake hug anyway. It would've been stupid! Purchased a few items and walked around.
We had to leave because she got hungry. I knew deep inside that she wasn't suppose to be buying food like the souvenirs tho being told that there was a 100 dollar limit meaning don't spend anything. Yah, learning this later was weird and confusing, it made me feel bad. As bad as leaving the house because it makes the home owner feel good that someone is there, as much as hating being inside for someone else's benefit of wanting. At least feeling unstuck for a while, I felt freedom. I was able to breath than feeling another breathing down my back, making sure I stayed firmly in one place and not moving nor barely breathing. Like a living porcelain doll, having to react when they're suppose to. Finally walking back into the cinema, we lead ourselves to our seats, sat quietly and I was getting bored with the non-communitive being there's nothing there kind of deal.
Finally Bianca came out after most seats were filled up. Observing that shy from the max, I counted that being 50 seats less was still a lot of people supporting Roy and his traveling expenses and bills. We all laughed, some jokes were a bit non-understanding and hard, I didn't react to laugh. I didn't feel like it. But the generation person laughed and laughed. Then I realized that she wasn't who I figured she was. I already had a thought she was a complete opposite from me and I felt like finding Bianca Del Rio was for her, not myself. I wanted stuff that was for me, not someone else. It was getting annoying that other people kept pulling everything I thought I liked away from me leaving me with nothing. That's how it worked for me. The show ended and we went home.
