I woke up, I was at a party and she cheated. Right in front of me. I was mortified but couldn't move. After hours of misery and watching it over and over again everything went black. I woke up on a couch being handed a needle, the pain was so much I didn't even care anymore. I would rather die than to feel. I would rather do what I hate and loathe so much than to feel what I feel. I don't hesitate, I just shoot up. No stopping, only a flow of toxic chemicals through my veins. I fall back and the world goes black again. I wake up in a new place, a new time. Fast forward I'm 25 living in a trailer with 5 other people, watching as my partner goes out with others to fuck, shooting up every few hours, and living in filth. I think back to before I was in this mess. Before I felt heart break. Before I was in this shit relationship. I remember my past and how I promised to never be like my family, yet here I sat on a couch full of dirty laundry and empty needles, realizing I've never hated anyone more than myself. I want to die. I want the drugs to end me but they never do. They just keep me on the edge for the rest of this miserable existence. I've never wanted to feel the relief of death more than I do in this moment. I think of how many times drug addicts had failed me and ruined my life in the past only to realize I've become what I have resented the most. I can't handle it. I would rather take the messy way out then to continue this hell of self hatred and mental torture. I stumble to the bathroom and with my shaky hands I lock that bathroom door. Sitting in front of the door I reach up to grab the sharpest razor within reach. I break it out of the casing and hold it above my wrist. Hesitation set in only for a second as a tear rolls down my face and I reflect on my meaningless, useless, empty life. I have disappointed everyone, I disgust everyone around me, I'm a parasite to anyone who has met me, I don't deserve to waste oxygen. I scream as I pierce that razor straight through my skin. Right into the most shallow vein. I slide it down from the my wrist to the end of my forearm. I've never been more proud of myself than I was ending my life for everyone's sake. I am finally being useful by getting rid of a waste of space that I am. Things go blurry but I know this won't end my life. I put that shiny blood covered razor to my throat and slide it across. One final flash of my disappointing life, one more glimpse that proves this is the right decision. Finally it's all gone. All pain. All light. All memories. It's over. Never again will I disgust, disappoint, or annoy another human being. My worthless life is over. Nothing is left.
