elliot edwards and the pursuit of finding oneself

two

after megan collected herself from choking on her coffee, i told her about how it had no return address and how aunt ellen had found it in the mailbox early this morning, all while we walked to the library (our main hang out spot).

by the time we got there it was ten thirteen in the morning, and the sun was significantly brighter than when i was awoken at eight thirty. we shoved past the stacks of novels and biographies before ending up in the back right corner, where almost nobody ever got close to. "well obviously you have to read it!" she exclaims. "i know! i'm just nervous!"

"because...?" she quizzes. "i don't know. maybe because this is almost everything i've ever wanted and it might turn out toatally not as great as i expected it to be!" i say sarcastically. we were both sat up against the wall by now, and meg, as usual, was flipping through magazines.

"totally off topic but paul rudd is literally the love of my life." she remarks, passing a picture of him on one of the pages. "if you're not going to be helpful then can it." i say, crossing my arms over my chest. "well we've been bickering about this for half an hour and you're still just as stubborn as you were at the start. i might as well be entertaining myself while you pull it together." she states.

i roll my eyes and glance at the magazine in her lap. "alicia silverstone is definitely my biggest celebrity crush." i say, noticing her on one of the pages. "okay good choice, but back to the real shit. maybe you just need something to relax." she says, pulling a joint and a clear purple lighter out of her pocket.

"i don't wanna be high when i find out who my birth mother is." i state. she drops them back into her coat pocket and sighs. "how 'bout a cigarette?" she sighs. "already thought of that." i say, pulling a wrinkled pack of red marlboros. "you did?" she asks astonished that i atually brought them, knowing that i wasn't a regular smoker.

"yeah. that's not the point though." i state, pulling one out and shoving the pack back into my pocket. "ready?" she asks. i nod and we stand, waking out of the back entrance to stand and smoke in the ally. "i can't do it." i say, looking at the envelope. "sure you can!" she encourages as i duck my head down for her to light my cigarette (considering our noticable height difference). "you do it." i say after taking the first drag, handing the letter over.

"really?" "just do it before i change my mind!" i exclaim nervously. she lights her own cigarette (a camel) and holds it between her lips as she gently opens the folded paper. i nervously inhale more smoke as she studies it for a moment.

"happy birthday elliot. it's been seventeen years since i gave you up, and i think the answers to all of your questions are long overdue. my name is alice, and this is the story of how you came into the world." meg reads. "want me to keep going?" "yes, yes." i say, snapping out of my trance.

"i worked in the diner on forth street for a while, and that's where i met your father, the love of my life. truth be told i had no intention of getting attached to harry. by the time i met him i had already purchased my ticket to paris, and i was planning on leaving two weeks after the night i met him. to this day he doesn't know that."

"i figured i'd live my life to the fullest and spend as much time with harry as i could before disappearing to start the life i always dreamed of. little did i know that it was possble to fall in love within the span of fourteen days, and i couldn't muster up the courage to leave so soon after meeting him or let admit that disappearing was my first plan."

"my flight was supposed to leave at five a.m. sharp. i was with harry the night before i was supposed to leave, when he asked me if i'd stay the night. little did he know, staying the night meant missing my flight and giving up my dreams. but trust me, if you would've seen his beautiful green eyes and the way he looked at me when he asked, you'd understand why i stayed."

megan takes a long drag out of her cigarette before sighing "shit." i looked away when my eyes threatened to pour and inhaled as much smoke as i could handle before blowing it away, along with some of my tears.

"i stayed in new york falling in love with harry for another year, all while working in the diner to try and save enough money to get to paris 'eventually', in all honesty, i thought i'd settle down with harry in new york instead, even if it meant sacraficing all i ever wanted just because it was more realistic. i still saved up though, i guess i was in denial. i didn't want to fully admit to myself that i had given up."

"harry was a writer who had dreams of getting published and popular, and i had a dream of living on the edge of paris and painting everything in sight. according to some bogus publisher, harry couldn't leave new york, and according to my goals i needed to be in paris, and one day harry got tired of holding me back."

"he told me he'd always be right where i left him, waiting for me to come home , or even for me to call and ask for him to come join me in paris. he promised that even if we were old and wrinkled we'd come back to each other and get married, and i still wear the diamond ring on my finger."

"the next morning he woke up and i was gone, halfway to my new life awaiting me. a few weeks after i settled into my new apartment i found out that i was pregnant. i didn't have a job, and i was in a new country with nobody that i was familiar with. i couldn't afford to raise you on my own, and if i had told harry, one of us would've had to sacrafice everything to come together and be a family. i knew he wouldn't let it be me. i couldn't bear to do that to him."

"leaving harry in the dark and giving you up for adoption broke my heart, and i'm still not healed. i love you more than anything in the world, and leaving you was the hardest thing i've ever done. i couldn't bare handing you off to a complete stranger or making you grow up in foster care or with a family i'd never know, so i called up my best friend in new york."

"aunt ellen came and picked you up in paris and took you back to new york. she sends me photos of you in the mail and tells me all about how amazing you are in a letter once a year. i hear you're a writer just like harry. he would be just as proud as i am, and you're beautiful, so beautiful. you have harry's eyes, and your hair is just like his. you got my mouth and my freckles, maybe even my cheeks."

"if you want to meet your dad, he still goes to the diner on fourth street every day. how you go about meeting him is up to you. he'd be happy to know you even if you choose not to tell him you're his son. his name is harry edwards. i gave you his last name so you could always have a part of him."

"i love him. i never stopped and i never will. he used to write to me (sending them to ellen who then sends them to me- i don't want him to know where i am. he'd be stupid and come looking.) promising he was still waiting, but the letters stopped coming, and i'm afraid of the innevitable. he's met someone else. if i really wanted to, i could write and ask him myself, but truthfully, i'm afraid of the answer.

"i hope this letter was all that you hoped for. i hope you don't despise me for giving you up. i just want the best for you, always. i love you elliot. you'll always be my baby. love, your mama, alice." meg finishes, keeping her voice strong despite her trembling lip. "i guess we need to go to fourth street then."