0: A woman lay in a hospital bed cradling her newborn baby girl to her chest. She gazes down into the eyes on her new baby as if she was the greatest gift she ever received. She smiled at me as if it was worth it.
1: I have a new mom now. She loves me and I love her but again they remind me that she isn't actually my mom. I don't understand why but adults know best. So, for now, I'll call her Lyla.
2: "Any day now," they tell me "you're going to be a big sister" 4 days after my 2nd birthday came the first sibling I knew.
3: Lyla is momma Lyla now. She shares a last name with me and my daddy, and she tells Max to call her mommy, I want a mommy.
4: Mommy received a call today that made her sad. I didn't understand it, but it interfered with my adoption.
4: I met a strange woman today. I was told she was my mom like mommy is to Max. It was okay to have 2 moms though. So I went to my mom's house on the weekends and lived with my mommy, daddy, and Max the rest of the time.
4: Did I mention that I have 2 more siblings? Yes, an older brother and older sister.
5: I met my rapist for the first time.
6: Mom's boyfriend woke me up and moved me to his room again
6: Mom's boyfriend told me a funny joke to tell mom. While I was on the phone telling her he put his hand on my leg, I didn't like it.
7: Mom broke up with her boyfriend. I don't really know why just that it had something to do with my sissy.
8: Mom's boyfriend is back. He took me to his room again. When he puts his hands on me it scares me. I don't know why he touches me.
8: My mommy gave birth to a baby boy. On the way to the hospital, mom told me that babies are gross and annoying. I didn't understand, I loved Max as a baby would Ryan be different?
9: I told. Hiding in a closet at my babysitter's house. I told her that HE likes it when I undress for him before he takes me to his bed.
9: Someone heard.
9: Someone told.
9: The nice men in uniforms are asking me questions.
9: I don't understand why mommy and daddy are crying.
10: I sit in therapy drawing pictures of my family
10: They gave me 2 dolls and asked me to show them what he would do to me. Where he touched me.
10: Practice trails so I wouldn't be scared when I had to sit in front of a judge and point at the man that haunts my dreams because he claims to have never touched me.
10: He took the plea bargain, whatever that means, but now he says he's guilty.
10: My rapist roams free with nothing but a piece of paper to keep him away from me.
11: I go to school trying to pretend I'm normal as if I didn't spend most of my summer in a courtroom.
11: I have no one to call a friend.
11: I find myself scared of men. This is new.
11: The woman that gave birth to me wants to see me again. I wonder why. Mommy, please don't let her take me.
11: 3rd Saturday of every month for just a couple hours mom was allowed to see me if she followed the rules
12: "Sara, your mom has cancer. She's been given a year to live."
12: I made a friend. Finally, someone to distract me from the sadness.
12: Is this going to be the last time I see the woman who gave me life?
13: "Sara, your mom and dad are here to check you out. I'm sorry."
13: Complete and utter confusion, nothing but going through the motions.
13: I sit at the funeral and look at my brother and sister, at the kids she wanted. I could see their pain, yet I couldn't share their feelings.
13: Why? Why did she leave? Was it my fault? Did she hate me that much?
13: This became the first of many times I felt the burn of a blade on my body.
14: Every week, once a week I see a therapist. I'm now what they call a suicide risk.
14: Divorce.
14: "I no longer love your father."
14: I'm terrified. The woman who gave me life didn't want me why would this mom love me when she was no longer obligated?
14: I must protect my heart. If I leave first she can't leave me.
15: "Just because I no longer love your dad doesn't mean I can't love you."
16: Mom remarried. It was beautiful, she was beautiful. I don't like her new husband.
16: My dad introduced me to his new girlfriend.
16: I now have 8 siblings in total.
17: He hurt my mom again. She won't leave.
17: My dad is drunk more then he's sober.
17: There's no food but there plenty to drink.
18: My dad knocked his girlfriend to the ground; he stands over her yelling in her face.
18: My mom calls me almost daily crying because of her husband.
19: I hate being home.
20: My father told me that I'm completely worthless, that I wouldn't get anywhere in life.
20: I need to get out.
20: I dropped out of college.
20: I moved out.
20: I no longer have to return somewhere that I fear.
21: I've seen parts of the world I never thought I would get to see.
21: I lived longer than I ever thought I would.
22: I still wonder why the woman that gave me life never wanted anything to do with me. I wonder how much better my life would be if she had never returned.
22: I still turn to the pain of a razor. The burn reminds me that I'm in control.
22: I finally have control.
22.
