For my father
I'm preparing you now, that some of the things you read may anger you. Please do not take the anger out on me, but just know that this comes from my heart, and you're the one that wanted a conversation. This is just the easiest way to do it.
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I know I'm not the most perfect person in the world. I'm not the thinnest, healthiest person, but I hoped that my personality could make up for it. You may be shocked to see me happy around the house and trust me, I am too. You guys don't really understand the emotions I show, and when you want to, everything seems to go down a wrong path. I made mistakes. We all do. But threatening to take away my choices, that's a step too far. I have my agency. And that's something you can't take away. I can choose to be mad, angry, or just straight out sad. I have a choice to speak up or stay silent. You, of all people, should understand this. It's something written in human law and something that you will never take away, hence I'm making the choice to write this now.
You may also think that I just hate you. You asked me if you scare me, and I stayed silent. The reason I was silent is that you did scare me. You should know after fourteen years of knowing me, that yelling will destroy any chance you have of talking to me. You say that my world revolves around a phone when it really doesn't. It revolves around the family I do have and the way they decide to look down on me. You look down on me like I'm a disappointment. You'd probably shut this thought down immediately, but the way you make out to be can seem like it really is true. I just want a dad who could just listen to me. And possibly understand that I do have a shell. The way to get me out is calmly showing me that nothings going to come after me or verbally attack me when I do. The way not to get me out is by trying to break down that shell. I'll just build a stronger, thicker protection.
Another problem that needs to be addressed, is that I feel like I'm constantly compared. You always say that I can never talk, or you say stuff like 'why can't you just do this or that'. I really try. I really do. I'm only fourteen. I feel like I've gone through so much in these past years. Part of me thinks it's not fair. It's only the experience of life. My life.
I always find it hard to talk to you, because of how mad you can get. There's a list of problems I think that happens in a simple conversation, and I feel inclined to share them.
*you were sending a text while I was crying
*you didn't bother to ask why I was crying
*you yelled
*you were eating while we were talking
* I felt almost forced in having to say something
* I felt alone, upset, and unable to share why I felt that way
And that's all I could think of off the top of my head.
You also wonder why I don't talk to you. It's because I feel like you'll take what I say the wrong way, and just get mad at me for feeling the way I feel. It makes me want to be emotionless, in all honesty.
I don't know where I wanna go with this, but you seeing me curse in one of my texts was a mistake.
I know my music isn't the cleanest either, and I'm trying to get away from it. It honestly was an outlet, because it almost listened, when no one else did. I lost myself in my music. It made me feel okay with the way felt, and let me know that it was alright being the way I was.
I have so much more to say
But I won't
Your daughter
