Amanda Creen

2. The falling leaf

All night i could not stop thinking about that cliff and the fall that seemed to go on for ever. I was like my mind would not leave it. I had to wake up many times over the night because i kept having these crazy dreams where i was fall and falling down into nothing. Just falling into darkness and once i see the bottom, i kept waking up right at that moment. Was it because of the cliff? Or was it just the usual nightmares? Every night i have wonderful dreams about children running in grassy field and a family having a picnic on a small hill with a huge beautiful rose bush. But the faces never seem to have faces, they are always just a happy family, living a life they deserve. But then the dreams turn dark, and they turn dark very fast. Sometimes it may even happen in a split second and there they are, dead at the bottom of the hill, with blood everywhere and there is no sign of the child. The rose bush is dead and the grass is yellow. And this dream comes to me every night. But this time it was different. It was much more peaceful, just me and myself, falling forever until eventually I reach the end. It could be a sign that that is where my life will go but i would never know. I have never been good at knowing what could happen. Others could predict what might happen or would know just from how someone is acting but i have never been able to predict what someone might do out of their emotions.

...________...

I walk into my kitchen to make lunch and my unused phone starts to ring. This is such a strange situation that it almost rings out before i quickly run to it.
"Hello?" I ask into the phone, not used to my voice either.
" Hi! Is this Amanda? Of course it is, i can recognise that voice anywhere!" The stranger shrieked.
"May i ask who you are?" I question.
"Oh yes, its me, Laura from school." She says seeming a little disappointed.
"Ah, of course. My high school best friend," I try to say as cheerfully as possible.
" so how is life? Are you still with that handsome man? What was his name? Ahh, it was john." She squeals.
"No. We're not together anymore." I say, trying my best to keep calm.
"Damn, you guys were really close weren't you? Didn't you get married and have a daughter? What was her name?" She questions me like she is trying to get information for court.
"No. No we didn't get married, we were just dating," i squeak, trying to cover up the huge lie. " i have a date gotta go. Bye," i squeeze out, hanging up as soon as possible. As i drop my phone, my body drops with it. All the way to the ground. And i dont get up for hours, just in the corner of the kitchen, crying silently. Eventually i get up and got to be. I continue crying until exhaustion get the better of me. Was it hours, days, even weeks. I dont know. All i know is that the last thing i want to do is get out of my bed.

...________...

As the week goes by, i dont notice most of what happens. Its all a blurb but i keep catching myself going for a walk to that same cliff. When I'm there, everything is clear as water and it feels so peaceful and still. Ist like its calling to me and i cant pull myself away, and every time i give up, it gets a little it harder to avoiding and now i can't even think about anything else about it. It's just so mesmerising and beautiful, but rough and cold at the same time. As i walk to the edge, i feel some kind of pull, but I dont know where it come from. It is not the same one that brings me here, it is a much deeper and more meaningful pull. One that not many people would notice, but because of the lack of love in my heart, i can notice much more that the average human. The pull intrigues me towards the edge and i shuffle closer and closer.
The tension in the air was so strong i could Bailey move. The only movement i could do was to walk forward. It was no a bad thing, it was actually quite calming how i did not have to make an effort to walk. As i get closer to the edge i start to wonder, would it be so bad if i just disappeared all of a sudden ? Would many care? Would anyone care? No one would notice me gone for at least a month. Maybe i could. If i had a chance to got to another world and restart my whole life, i would taking it without skipping a beat of my heart. So, if i feel, would it matter. I'm not afraid, but would others? Would my disappearance make people sad or make them disappear? How could i know in a moment like this? How could i tell? As i take one more step, my foot does not touch the ground, i reach further but look down and notice that my foot is off land. Almost as if the weight of my body changes, i start to slip off. If i really want to, i could jump backwards but i just freeze, slipping further and further until i am falling. You would think falling would be horrifying, but it is extremely calming. With the wing I'm my hair and the sky and water blurring around, it is quite beautiful. It makes me feel like a leaf, floating in the air, and the rocks bellow is the earth that the leaf can rest on and disintegrate into the earth. As i fall, i feel at one with the sky sea and earth and now i see why birds fly. Not because they can, or to survive. The fly because it make them free. Free of life. Free from the world.